Photo Credit: Alone
Preamble
I haven’t written in a while; so here’s what’s happened with Sebastian and Katja, summed up in a few sentences:
It took a while, but I finally reached a point where I could play again and keep my emotions in line. I am over for a visit right now. Sebastian and I have discussed play. My emotions are no longer his problem; that is to say, I am responsible for keeping my shit together when we play.
On Friday night, Sebastian brought me down to the basement cold room. Inside, was the cage that I once loved – not so sure I love it any more. He explained the rules that I was to follow for tonight’s sleep. I was to spend the night in the cage. I was allowed out if I needed to pee, if I thought I was going to have a case of hypothermia, or if I was going to have an anxiety attack, (or if the house was suddenly on fire;) but other than that, I was not allowed to leave the cage. This entry is what I managed to type out on my phone.
Saturday, February 11, 2012 – around 1:45
At the moment, I am trying to sleep in the cage, in the cold room of his basement. Lying in the cage right now is bringing on a wave of emotion. I am very grateful that I have my phone with me though, because if I weren’t able to tell the time, I might just panic. After being free for so long, it is both exciting and scary to have my control taken away. A part of me doesn’t know whether I can play tomorrow, because I am on the brink of tears. I might not be able to hold my shit together. The larger part of me wants to push myself, to see what would happen if I did play, to see whether I can handle it. I wonder whether I’ll ever be able to handle it. Can I keep it together on my own, without the emotional pillar I once had? Only one way to find out…
…A Few Minutes Later
And now I’m crying. And I’m not entirely sure why. I know that it isn’t because I miss being the pet. I mean, on some days, I really do miss parts of our former relationship; but I think it is pretty clear in my head, that I do not want to get back into a relationship of that nature.
It’s freezing. Even with my warm PJ’s and a blanket, I am shivering. My legs are numb; but I’m trying not to have to open the cage door. The tears are really not helping. I can feel the tears soaking into my hair – it’s all just making my head cold.
This time in the cage is giving me a good chance to listen to myself: my thoughts and my emotions. If only they would speak up and give me a hint about what the tears are about.
Returning to the topic of play: all of the power is really in my hands. One word, my safeword, and it’s all over. I’m really just fighting with myself over whether I should test my limits. There is not a doubt in my mind, that if I were playing with anybody else, this would not cause so much internal conflict.
I suppose I will just have to see what my gut says tomorrow, because I am feeling just a little lost right now. More later.
Around 7:45
Managed to sleep about 30 minutes. I checked my phone’s clock around 6:00 and debated with myself about visiting the washroom for a good hour and a half.
The waterworks started again and this time, I feel weak, as though I should be able to keep my composure a little better. All through last night, I felt as though I was being punished, and if that was the intention, I’m really not certain of what I did wrong. The combination of boredom, isolation, and bitter cold is just enough to drive me a little crazy. And yet I force myself to tough it out, even when I have the ability to get out. I know I’ve been drifting in and out; but it doesn’t feel like I’ve slept at all. I almost feel like moving outside of the cold room; but I am neither hypothermic or having an anxiety attack; so I guess that isn’t an option right now.
This morning feels colder than last night did. One of the recurring thoughts running through my head is that it is midterm time. I cannot afford to get sick or be sleep-deprived any more this week. I can hear people shovelling the snow outside and there is a small stream of sunlight coming through a “window” at the top of the room. I once wondered whether i could last a week in solitary confinement. I don’t think I’d be able to last more than a day. I probably have more to write; but my fingers are too cold to type on my phone right now.
Postscript
I left the cage on Saturday morning to pee and saw Katja in the basement, probably scooping the cat litter. I vaguely remember her saying “good morning” to me; but my one and only goal at the time was to get upstairs to use the toilet. I returned to the cage and balled up under the blanket. I was crying again, and still wasn’t quite so certain about what. Sebastian came down shortly after, and then I broke down. I asked him for five minutes alone, so that I could regain my composure; but he grabbed the blanket and dragged me closer to the door of the cage. Slowly, the blanket was taken away from me, and it was too cold for me to stay lying inside. I got up and was greeted by the warmth of Sebastian’s body. I didn’t want to let go.
We moved upstairs and he put me on the couch. All I wanted at that point in time was to sleep. I tried to shut my eyes and drift off to dreamland; but I hit a wall of restlessness. Sebastian assured me that I had not been being punished, which lined up with my thoughts from earlier that morning. I didn’t think spending a night in that basement cellar would have such a large effect on me. That night in the cold room broke me.
In my head, I was fine; but there were still tears rolling down my face uncontrollably. I still do not know how to explain them, and I think that’s okay. I have learned over the last year that emotions do not always have to be logical or be explained.
I have been thinking about something that Katja asked me that morning. She asked me why I didn’t come out, seeing as Sebastian had given me an “out.” My immediate thought was that I was neither hypothermic nor having an anxiety attack; which made me think about two things:
1) Am I even capable of realising when I am feeling anxious? and
2) Given that I was setting myself up for sleep-deprivation and coldness, what made me stay inside that room? Why did I continue to obey Sebastian, when I was clearly in discomfort?
To address the first point, I think my only reference as to what an anxiety attack feels like to me, was the one time I freaked out because I didn’t know what time it was. The night in the cold room did not feel panicked. Instead, it felt as though I were sinking into a hole of self-pity, weakness, and unexplained emotion. In a way, it was very cathartic for me to just cry without a real cause. Things were uncomfortable; but not unbearable.
As for #2, it all comes back to my submissiveness and the desire to serve and be obedient that runs inside me. I also think that I stayed in the room because it was Sebastian who put me there. Although I am no longer the pet, I still have a great deal of respect for Sebastian and will probably never stop listening to him. Another part of me wanted to prove to myself that i could tough it out. I would have definitely been more comfortable if I had moved out of the cold room that night; but I know that I probably would have looked back on that moment and been a little disappointed that i didn’t push myself to stay in there a little longer. (Which makes me think on a tangent about making recoverable mistakes, something Sebastian has talked about several times – but that’s for another blog entry.)
The morning after that cold, lonely night, I felt myself slipping into a more submissive frame of mind. Perhaps I was just too tired to make my own decisions, or perhaps the cage had taken the brat in me down a couple pegs; but I just did not feel like poking. I spent the day trying to hold it together and trying to catch some shut-eye. It didn’t matter what I tried – i was still emotionally compromised
Now normally, my rule is that I try everything twice before I decide whether I like or dislike it. I think sleeping in the cold room will be an exception.
!
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