A Whole Bunch of Things

November 26th, 2010  / Author: !
1

It has certainly been a while since I have written anything on here; so I have decided that it is time for an update.

Just Friends

A couple weekends ago, I went over to visit with Sebastian and Katja.  For the first little while, it was just Sebastian and me; so we decided to keep the house rules between us; however when Katja came home, the house rules were no longer in effect.  I think keeping them for the first few hours helped me transition a bit…but it ultimately comes down to what everyone is comfortable with.  We spent the rest of the weekend just hanging out, and I think it helped me move on…

Jonas and Helene

After my relationship with Sebastian and Katja drifted permanently into just friendship; I had a short break from the kink “scene.”  Walking home from work one day, I noticed a big poster on a wall that read “Intro to Kink Night.”  Sadly, the event had been over for half an hour; so I continued walking and didn’t think much more of it.  The next day, I received a message on FetLife from a man (Jonas) and his girlfriend (Helene).  They had attended the Kink Night, and were interested in incorporating kink into their sex lives, and were looking for someone to help them with it.  We met for coffee, chatted, moved to a quiet bar, chatted some more, and for the second time, I went home with someone new on the first night.

New Experiences

The first night with Jonas and Helene was definitely one full of firsts – for all of us.  It was interesting to see how much I could and can still learn from them; to see a completely different kind of kinky couple from Sebastian and Katja.  Jonas taught me how to give Helene oral sex; and it was quite the first experience.  I understand now, why it is, that people go crazy over tasting a woman’s sweetness.  That night, I also moved towards acceptance, and even enjoyment, of oral sex being performed on me.  I am still not completely comfortable with it; but I am getting there, slowly.

It was the first time, in a long time, that I was treated as an equal in the bedroom.  At first, I was not used to it; just doing whatever I wanted to do, not being told what to do, and not asking permission for things; but after a while, I became accustomed to the change of routine.  It was a very successful “introduction” night for us all, and I am happy that we were able to have this experience.

So What? Thoughts, Emotions…

I thought I was done with couples, and I may very well be.  to me, Jonas and Helene are just casual play partners.  They are not looking to go anywhere relationshippy with me, and I am not looking to go there with another couple.  I feel as though they may perhaps be my attempt to fill that hole, where Katja and Sebastian once were.  When it comes down to it, I get lonely, and I get horny.  Playing with Jonas and Helene seems to satisfy my sexual desire and also lets me not feel alone for a little while.  I am aware that from them I am getting temporary fixes for my emotional lows, but I think it’s what I need for right now.  Also, if I can lead them further into my world of kink, it would provide a new experience for me, as a “teacher’ of sorts and it would also benefit them.  And yet, while I know there are pros and cons to place that I am in right now, I cannot help but wonder…

Should sex be this casual?

Something my father said when I told him about my lifestyle was simply that “sex should not be this casual.”  While my opinion differs greatly from my parents most of the time, I cannot help but wonder if he is right.  I spent a total of maybe three hours talking with Jonas and Helene before going home and hopping into bed with them.  Am I being too reckless?  Am I looking to fuck my inner emotional struggles away?  I would like to make clear right now that I do not regret what happened that night.  Not in the least.  My gut told me that going home with them was right.  I may very well be over-analysing my situation.

I have just lost my train of though, so I guess I’ll just end the post here.  As for where Jonas, Helene, and I will go; I have no idea.  I suppose only time will tell.

!

Tags: , , , ,

Posted in First Times, Growth, Kink in a Vanilla World, Sebastian and Katja | 1 Comment »

I am thankful.

October 11th, 2010  / Author: !
2

Here is some backstory to what’s on my mind right now.  As I alluded to in my last entry, the relationship between “Sir,” ‘Miss,” and I has changed.  You can find the gist of the story here.  My own version will be coming soon; but seeing as it is Thanksgiving (in Canada,) I thought I would write about something else first.  In light of everything that has happened, “Sir” will go back to being referred to as “Sebastian,” and “Miss” will be “Katja.”

Last night at the dinner table, I was asked what I was thankful for this year.  I was with my family and family friends; so I could not speak openly about the year I had with Sebastian and Katja; but it was the first thing that entered my mind.  Instead, I chose my words carefully and just stated that i was thankful for all of the “life experiences” I have had this year. And it’s true.  What I had with Sebastian and Katja this past year was a whole ton of life experiences that helped me grow and discover parts of myself that I did not previously know.

I am thankful that I had the opportunity to meet Sebastian and Katja, to feel what I did that first night, and to be involved in the relationship we had.  It was quite a unique life experience; and while I don’t think I will ever do it again, I certainly am glad that we did what we did.  That silent chemistry I felt on our first meeting was something I had never felt before, and taught me to go with my gut.

I am thankful that I was able to learn so much from them; that they were patient with me and willing to let me make mistakes.  I am also thankful that they supported me and continue to support me when I need it; that they reassure me when I stop believing in myself, and that they taught me that making mistakes is not the end of the world.

Sebastian and Katja helped me get in touch with my emotions.  I met them as the girl who didn’t know how to feel, as someone who had always swept her emotions under the rug and forgot, or tried to forget about them.  After a year with Sebastian and Katja, I am now able to feel and accept (for the most part) my emotions and work through them.  Even as I write this entry, I can feel a wave of emotion hit me; and this time, I’m not trying to fight it.  I am thankful that I have learned to accept and embrace my emotions.

Throughout my relationship with Sebastian and Katja, I was able to see what ownership is.  I had the opportunity of giving up control of some aspects of my life; and while I don’t think ownership is right for me, I am definitely thankful to have had such an experience.

I am thankful that throughout our relationship, I was exposed to so many new ideas.  From new dungeon equipment, to playing with “the Bastard,” I was seldom bored with Sebastian and Katja.

I learned a lot about myself, what I want, what I am capable of doing, and what my future could possibly be. I have learned that people change.  What I once wanted, or thought I wanted, is not what i want now.  I have grown so much as a person, and as a submissive.  I have become more self-aware, and have learned to take the time to figure out what I want in life.

I am also thankful that Sebastian is tech-savvy and uses a Mac.  Through him, I was able to learn about my computer, about websites, and about programs that make my life easier.  This blog was started because Sebastian gave me a little push; and I have learned that  enjoy writing and sharing with the kinky community, what is on my mind.

I am thankful that Katja didn’t give up on me during that defining weekend.  If she had decided that she did not want to train me, then I would have never had these experiences.  Making a relationship work between us was anything but easy.  I am thankful that we were able to work through our issues, and that we arrived at an understanding with each other.

I am thankful that I was able to have Sebastian’s cock inside all of my holes.  In all honesty, it just felt good.  I am also thankful that Katja allowed me to touch her master’s cock.  It is an opportunity I will never forget.

I am thankful that our relationship did not really end.  It has just changed.  I am glad that things did not end badly, and that we are still friends.

In short, I have learned a lot about myself, relationships, emotions, and being human.  I have grown through everything I have experienced with Sebastian and Katja.  I have become more self-aware and have learned to pay attention to how I feel, to take care of myself and not set my emotions aside.  I have had the opportunity to try many new things, see what I like, and what I don’t.  I now know what growing pains feel like, and that it is okay that it hurts to grow sometimes.  I don’t crumble (as much) any more when I make a mistake.  Instead, I try to find a solution and move on.  Sebastian and Katja have guided me through a chapter of my life, showing me things that I probably would not have seen myself; and it is for all of these things that I am thankful.

!

Tags: , , ,

Posted in Growth, Sebastian and Katja | 2 Comments »

More Than Just Sex, Rebellion, or Thrill

September 25th, 2010  / Author: !
4

Disclaimer:  Before I start to write my thoughts down, I would like to clarify that no one did anything wrong.  Things change.  People change.  The things we want, the things we need, our thoughts and ideals change.  Things are not wrong; they are just different.  And I am fully aware that Sir and Miss can read this.  Oh…and this post may not be entirely coherent, but I’m not editing tonight.  I will just le my fingers fly all over my keyboard.

It as been quite a while since I’ve written anything on here; but tonight, I am feeling a sudden urge to write.  I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few months, and lately I have been feeling that the relationship I have with Sir and Miss has been going down a downhill slope.  I feel as though our spark has gone out, as though our time has run its course.

During our one-month break, I realised that what I want right now is to find someone I can love, and who could love me back.  For a while, I tried to push this thought aside, but it just kept creeping up on me.  I also noticed that in my past few visits with Sir and Miss, my emotions were different.  It was as though something was missing.  Something just wasn’t right.  Looking back, I think what I was feeling had to do with me wanting love and knowing I would not get it from Sir and Miss.  My focus turned away from wanting to please them, to trying to figure out how and where I could get the love I now want.  Deep down, as sad as it sometimes makes me feel, I know that I need to stop being Sir and Miss’s pet if I can’t be there whole heartedly.

I think I was subconsciously easing myself away from Sir and Miss.  Our chats and our visits became less frequent; and instead of normally missing them a lot, or being overjoyed with excitement at our next visit, I found myself being okay.  I was okay with not seeing them so often.  I was okay without chatting with them as often as I used to.  A thought then crossed my mind, that I would be okay without being controlled by them.

I think my priorities have also shuffled a bit.  I feel as though kinkiness is not as important to me as it once was.  I have also learned, that I probably do not want to be owned or in a 24/7 dominant-submissive relationship.  I would like to think that “coming out’ to my parents has nothing to do with this change; but I also know that i am young and impressionable, and that deep down, I care about how they feel.  That is not to say that I am changing for my parents.  I have never believed in changing yourself for someone else.  I have simply learned over the last year with Sir and Miss about what I like and do not like, and a little bit about what I want for my future.  Ideally, I would like to find a grey area, where there is some D/s in my life, but not so much that I am owned or am solely alive to serve someone else.

We all knew this wasn’t going to last forever.  I walked into the relationship knowing that I would one day move on.  I suppose I always pictured things going a different way.  I pictured myself finding a dominant man, one to be my owner, and having a smooth transition from being a pet to Sir and Miss, to being someone else’s slut.  I guess it throws me off a little, that I have no man waiting for me, and yet I feel as though our relationship needs to change.

I am struggling with my emotions.  I do not quite understand why the thought of not being their pet any more makes me sad, seeing as it was my idea, and I had a lot of time to think and prepare for this time.  Something one of my friends said made a lot of sense to me.  She said that the fact that I sometimes get sad over the “end” of our relationship just means that it was more than just sex.  It was more than just a rebellion against society, my friends, or my parents.  I did it for more than just the thrill.

As for what happens next, I do not know for sure.  I hope to sit with Sir and Miss sometime soon to talk things over and will probably write about the aftermath.  For now, I am throwing the towel in and calling it a night.

!

Tags: , , ,

Posted in First Times, Growth, Random Thoughts, Sebastian and Katja | 4 Comments »
Older Entries
Newer Entries