Jump

April 3rd, 2012  / Author: !
8

A while ago, I started to hike up a mountain, enjoying the scenery, and connecting with myself and the things around me.  Most days were beautiful, and on the very rare occasion, I would pause and think “isn’t this just perfect?”  There were days of light rain, fog, and an occasional thunderstorm.  Some days, I wouldn’t even feel the tiniest hint of fatigue; others, I would be too tired to go more than a mile.  There were days of basking in the sunlight, letting my body soak up the brightness around me.  There were also days spent healing from cuts, bruises, and sprains.  Often, I would meet people; some who would walk with me, and others who would race ahead or lag behind.  Along the way, I watched myself grow and discover more and more about myself.  Slowly, and mostly steadily, I reached the top; the climax of the journey on which I had set out.

By the time I had reached the top of the mountain, I was tired.  The time spent hiking up had left me exhausted, and I needed to catch my breath.  I sat down and began to get my bearings, slowly inching closer, and closer to the edge of that mountain top.  I sat, with my legs dangling off the side wondering whether I should take the plunge.  As I sat, I watched as others made it to the top.  Some came, only to take a picture and turn around for the long hike down.  Others came, running out of control, stumbling off the ledge, crashing.

And then you showed up.

You took a seat beside me, legs dangling off the cliff alongside mine.  We exchanged curious glances, wondering what would happen next.  Glances turned into words; words into stories; and after some time, we stood up.

You looked at me.  I looked at you.  We exchanged a nod.

And then we jumped.

A few seconds later, I couldn’t believe what I had just done.  The adrenaline rush, the pure rush and thrill of jumping was unlike anything I have ever felt before.  It was also scary as fuck.

I’d be lying if I said the fall was nothing but smooth.  Early on, I hit a rough patch, crashing on ledge jutting out into the air.  I watched you keep falling, calling out to me, as I laid on that ledge, putting myself back together.  That sudden crash took a toll on my confidence, as I sat, legs dangling, wondering what to do next.  If I had stayed there, sitting, I would have been stuck; too tired to climb back up.  I would have learned that jumping only results in pain, and would have probably kept that outlook for a long part of my life.  I looked off the ledge, seeing your figure falling effortlessly through the air.  I wanted to feel that again, the exhilaration, the tingling sense of adventure.  I wasn’t ready to quit.

I dusted myself off, and slowly stepped over the edge, into the air around me; eventually catching up to you and grabbing your hand.  Together, we continue to fall, not knowing where this will go, not even seeing the ground below us.  We could land gently and continue our journey on foot; or we could crash and take some time to heal.  Hell, this free fall might even turn into flight.  While I cannot say where or how far this will go, I know one thing for sure:  this is one of the best feelings I have ever felt.

I squeeze your hand, and can’t help but smile.  I won’t let go, if you won’t.

!

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Posted in First Times, Growth, Stories | 8 Comments »

Being an Add-On

March 6th, 2012  / Author: !
0

Photo Credit: X-Tree-M-GamR
Firefox is my internet browser of choice; not only because I am used to it, or because it’s speedy, or because it has a good memory; but also because it has a wide range of add-ons and plug-ins to customise and personalise your internet browsing experience.  From little tweaks to pre-existing features, to things like built-in translators and web development tools, These add-ons can really make a difference in your internet experience.  In fact, it was Firebug that made the editing and modification of this blog’s layout much easier than I would have anticipated.  I realise this is not a technology blog; so I will make my way back to the point of this post.  Bottom line:  Add-ons can make your basic internet browser full of fun and useful bells and whistles.

At the same time, some add-ons are just useless and annoying; and as much as you test them out with an open mind, they end up uninstalled and put on your permanent “do not re-install” list.

I am of the opinion that polyamourous, open, and selectively open relationships function in a similar way.

It is no secret that I am attracted to couples.  I enjoy playing with them, interacting with them and being an extension of a pre-existing relationship.  It was at my first play party (about which, I will write about later) that I got into a conversation with Eckhart and Sabine (Sabine is Eckhart’s companion.  They are in a somewhat poly relationship.) about why I might have such an attraction to these couples.  It came to me, that it is because I am not ready for commitment, and somehow, by letting myself be an extension of a pre-existing relationship, the need for such commitment is not as obvious or necessary as if I were to be in a relationship with a single person.  In a sense, I am an add-on.

As a pet, I was an extension to Sebastian and Katja’s relationship.  From my year spent with them, I learned quite a bit about issues that may come up in this kind of relationship; as well as how to resolve them.  Unfortunately, there was a lot of tension between Katja and me, and as a result, I often feel overly cautious and act unintentionally awkward with the half of the couple in whom I am not primarily interested.  I bring assumptions, biases and prejudices from my relationship with Sebastian and Katja into any other interaction, casual or more than casual, with a pre-established couple.

Let me try to explain a little more clearly:

I do not know about Eckhart or Sabine’s points of view on the topic; but this thing I’m doing with Eckhart is not only between him and me; but rather, mainly between him and me; and also with Sabine.  Along with that comes an underlying fear that something I do will disrupt the balance between them; even though I know it is not my responsibility to maintain their relationship.  Actually, that is probably the first thing I learned form being a pet.  It is not my responsibility to keep the couple together, nor is it my fault if something goes wrong between that couple.  Eckhart and I spoke briefly about this the other day, and it was reassuring to hear his words.  The bottom line is, it isn’t the” add-on” that can destroy a relationship; but rather, how the individuals in the pre-existing relationship handle and communicate their feelings towards the add-on with each other.  While I understand this concept, I am still a little bit nervous that I will cause unwanted tension in the couples with whom I play.

Another important lesson I have learned, is that I will not always have equal interest in both parties of the pre-existing couples, and it is very tiring and pointless to try and force some kind of equalisation in my interest.  As I have noted in many of my past entries, I have a lot of natural chemistry with Sebastian and almost no natural chemistry with Katja.  Over time, Katja and I have become friends; but it wasn’t really until close to the end of my pethood ended, that that happened.  Over the course of that relationship, I mentioned a few times, that I did not have equal attraction to both Sebastian and Katja, and that it did not feel natural for me to submit to Katja, that I was almost faking it.  This time, with Sabine and Eckhart, I have come in with  the idea that it is okay, not to have equal attraction for both people in the couple.  While I do have some attraction for Sabine, most of my interest lies in my interactions with Eckhart, and that is okay.

Sabine has already expressed feelings of slight intimidation, with respect to getting close to me.  After doing some reflecting, I realised that she isn’t the only one.  I find that I am overly cautious when I am interacting with my secondary interest in the couple, because there were times during my pet relationship, that I tried very hard to bond with Katja out of obligation.  Now, over time, this has changed, we are friends and it is not a friendship out of obligation; but in the beginning, I had convinced myself that I needed to work hard to make the bond between Katja and me stronger.  I, quite frankly, did not want my training to end, and did everything in my power to keep it going.  Looking back, that was probably not the best way to go about things.  After a while, the relationship was more work than fun, and that was my breaking point – when I needed things to stop.  It is because of my actions during my pet training that make me ask myself multiple times a day, whether my interaction with Sabine is out of obligation; and the truth is, it isn’t.  I genuinely am attracted to Sabine and enjoy her company.  I am also just very insecure and nervous, because  I do not want to put myself in the same situation as the one with Katja.  I feel as though I could easily put myself under the illusion that my desire to spend time with Sabine is not one out of obligation, when it really is; because I was able to do that with Katja.  So I am cautious, almost walking on eggshells, because I need to know, for sure, that what I am doing and want to be doing with Sabine is not out of obligation. (And for the record, I am pretty confident that nothing I am doing now is out of obligation; but these mild internal “panic and checks” happen from time to time)

It is not fair to compare any and all of my future relationships with the ones I have had in the past; but it is only my nature to do so.  Sabine and Eckhart are not the first couple I have shown more than a casual interest in since ending my relationship with Sebastian and Katja; and I have noticed that in interactions post-pethood, I have treated every person of secondary interest like a time bomb.  I walk on eggshells when it isn’t necessary and am apprehensive to do anything with or say anything to them, in the fear that they won’t like me and the relationship I have with their partners will go sour.  Now that I have identified this behaviour in myself, I can work on actively changing it and paying attention to my actions and slowly eliminating or reducing the amount of prejudice I might bring into interactions with pre-established couples.  I feel like I want this change to happen overnight; but I know that that is very unrealistic.  Eckhart told me something this morning that struck a chord:  I may not always feel patient, but I need to be patient.

!

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Posted in Growth | No Comments »

This Thing We’re Doing

March 5th, 2012  / Author: !
2

Photo Credit:  Fr. Frank Pavone
Unless you are directly involved, this post will make much more sense after I post a few other ones.  this is just what has been running through my mind lately.

Yesterday, I felt the largest drop in a very long time.  It wasn’t the typical “subdrop” that I would normally get after a weekend of submission; but rather, a drop of emotion and energy, stemming form the realisation that the weekend is over, and that I would have to resume my normal routine.  So now I am just taking some time to reflect on the events of the weekend and think about my interaction with Eckhart.

I have come to the realisation that I have a crush on Eckhart; but not in the exact way I had on the boys (and girls) in middle school, where I want to marry him or be his girlfriend.  I just really like him, and do not want things to go sour.

Whatever this thing is, I feel extremely comfortable when I am with Eckhart.  From my first play party to last weekend, I seem to have automatically fallen into a comfort zone with him – a lot more quickly than I normally would.  I feel like my presence is welcome; but it goes beyond that.  I feel that we had a mutual appreciation for the time we spend together, and that it all just works.  To put it simply, whatever it is we’re dong, feels very easy and almost effortless.; and with that comes nervousness.

I realised today that because our exchange feels so effortless, it feels like it’s all too good to be true.  I am nervous because I am just waiting for something to go awry; and while I would love this feeling to go away, the feeling excites me.  It’s like embarking on a new adventure.  You don’t really know where it’s going to go, and everything is almost overstimulating; but just right at the same time.

I have to admit, exploration is something I absolutely appreciate and thrive on.  The second time I played with Eckhart, he described me as “playing like a two-year-old;” and I saw it in myself as well.  I was touching him everywhere, watching his reactions to everything I did.  It was quite a lot of fun to just have a new person to figure out.

I was speaking with my housemate yesterday, about what it is we’re doing; and she asked me to try and classify it.  The terms ‘friend with benefits” or “fuck buddy” doesn’t exactly fit the scenario.  “Friend with benefits” does not work because we were not friends first.  I mean, we were well-acquainted enough to play together at my first play party (which I will get into later;) but not int he same way that I have had benefits with other friends.  The term “fuck buddy” does not work because whatever I am doing with Eckhart is an emotional investment.  Whether intentional or not, I have feelings invested into our exchange; and I think that’s part of what makes it work so well.  Investments of any kind always come with risks; but in this case, I believe the value of continuing my exchange with Eckhart will outweigh any negative consequence (for now.)  I have come to the conclusion that classifying and sticking a label on what we are doing is not important.  What is important, is that we are both heading in a mutually agreeable direction, whatever that direction may be.

Another reason this exchange is comfortable is that we do not have requirements of each other.  There is no end goal.  We are doing whatever this is for the sake of mutual pleasure, and that is very pressure-free.  That isn’t to say that when I was a pet to Sebastian and Katja, that I felt pressured; but this is a very different kind of interaction, where specific roles are not set.  There are no rules.  Everything is open for discussion and spread out on the table.  It feels very free; almost like a form of anarchy – but not one of chaos.

Bringing all of my emotions about Eckhart together, I have come to the realisation that I am moving on from my past relationship with Sebastian and Katja.  I mean, I always thought I was moving on; but I never truly felt it until a couple months ago.  I am still friends with them and appreciate and cherish their friendship; but I no longer lean on them, or really, mostly Sebastian, for support about everything in life.  It’s almost like one of my classic “Lightbulb Moments,’ being able to move on from that relationship and find a place where I am content with being friends and occasional play partners.

What I am experiencing with Eckhart is something new, and something I enjoy.  It’s something from which I will learn and already have learned.  Our interaction has taught me how to go with my emotions and be a little carefree.  I am learning to have pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

!

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Posted in First Times, Growth, Lightbulb Moments | 2 Comments »
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