Read My Kink

Photo Credit: Logistics Monster
Around the age of sixteen, some Amish participate in what is called Rumschpringe.  It is a period in time in which they go out into the modern world and “rebel” in a sense, against the beliefs with which they grew up.  At the end of this period, the young Amish man or woman either chooses Baptism, or chooses to leave the community.  Often times, they choose to return to the church, rather than move away from the community.  The next 27 days will be my Rumschpringe.

I am going to give you the Reader’s Digest version of what has happened in the last few weeks.  Long story short, I told my parents about my kink and my relationship with Sir and Miss.  They reacted well, but are still very confused.  I have gone through and am still feeling a plethora of emotion.

Which leads to what I am writing about now…

After a few conversations, Sir and Miss decided that the best thing to do right now would be to give me a one month break from their control.  I need time to sort things out with my family, and reflect on the events of the past few weeks.  While the thought of freedom might seem nice to someone looking in from the outside, I am not so sure I like things like this.

I miss having their control, knowing that I was expected to follow certain rules, or ask permission for certain things.  I also have not seen them in over a month, and I really just miss being with them.  Oh, to be clear, this break does not mean I don’t get to talk to them, or perhaps even see them sometime.  It’s just a break from being under their control, so that I can get my vanilla life in order, and even perhaps recover from my mess of overwhelming emotions.

What happened with my parents made me question whether or not the kinky me is really who I am.  It blew the confidence I once had about who I am and what feels right.  I began to question whether or not things should be this way, or if I should just give it up, have a “normal” vanilla relationship and try to will the kinkiness away.  I know that deep down, this is who I am meant to be; the kinky, sometimes crazy young woman I am; but having even an inkling of doubt is starting to get to me.

So although it will be difficult, I have decided to start breaking rules.  In a sense, I need to rebel against the rules that were once enforced by Sir and Miss, to make sure that I like being controlled more than I like my freedom.  today, I managed to walk around at home for a few hours without wearing my collar.  Granted, I did slip it on eventually, and am wearing it right now, but I am just taking tiny baby steps.  It hurt me a little, but I think what I need, is to push past the habits I have gotten used to since Sir and Miss took control and try to revert back to how I lived before they controlled me.  I have a hunch that by the time this month is over, I will have re-confirmed my desire to be controlled by Sir and Miss.  I just need to prove to myself that being their pet is absolutely 100% what I want out of my life right now.

I think I just got lost in a bout of incoherent rambling.  I am feeling a tiny bit lost right now.  I have a whole lot of undefined emotion, and I don’t quite know what to do with it.  Back to the point, I am going to try to make the most out of this month, in order to figure out what I want out of life, and whether or not where I am is truly where I want to be.

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