Update: Most of this is cleared up now. Miss and I just had a communication error.
Photo Credit: Tech n Hack
Just as fast as all of my doubt and worry went away, it came back.
After having a conversation with Miss, I genuinely do not feel safe. I also realise that I have been taking the extent of Miss’s specificity and patience for granted. It really is a double-edged sword. On one hand, I have committed to being 100% honest with Sir and Miss. At the same time, it is my honesty that got me to where I am now.
Earlier in the day, Miss and I were having a conversation about my assumptions and how assuming is not a desirable behaviour, and I felt myself getting frustrated. I told Miss this, and she asked me why. Naturally, I spoke my mind and told her that I was frustrated because it has taken me so long and I still assume things, and also that she had started repeating herself and it was annoying to me.
To clarify right here and now, I know that I do not have a lot of patience with people. I do not have much patience when I am trying to teach someone something and they do not “get it” right away; and I also do not have much patience for someone constantly repeating themselves after I have ‘gotten it.” It is something that I am trying to work on, but like many things, I expect this to be a slower-than-I-would-like process.
Moving on, this frustrated Miss, with good reason, and we took a break from the conversation. When we returned, Miss laid out some new guidelines for me, which goes as follows (since I am lazy and do now wish to change all the “I’s” to “She’s,” I will quote directly from what Miss said):
“I believe that although it is not my natural approach, from this day forward, until I deem otherwise, I will no longer give you the opportunity to always express yourself nor will I be explicit or specific. Should you desire clarity I expect you to ask. If you do not ask and you do not receive clarity that is no longer my responsibility. Should you do something that goes against your rules, goes against the control Master and I have over you, I will not permit an explanation, I will not permit any assumptions as excuses, any moments of “but I did not know”. Should you disobey, should you go against your rules and the expectations we have of you, you will simply be corrected (Master’s new term for consequences) and or punished. ”
Which means:
“I will not offer moments as I did earlier when I asked you if you had been granted permission [for something]
Should you make a statement and your actions have gone against your rules, the control we have over you, I will simply correct or punish you. Case closed.
I am not willing to invest my time into ensuring you understand. If you do not understand something, if you are uncertain I hold you 100% accountable pet.
And I will no longer explain my behaviours. I will no longer explain my actions as I have in the past.
I will also no longer discuss subjects with you to ensure you are okay with what has been said, with your correction/punishment. I expect you to simply obey and accept whatever comes your way.
I will no longer ensure you are clear with my expectations. Once I have explained myself _once_ I expect you to “get it”. And if you do not, I expect you to ask. I will not ask you if you understand. You are expected to understand or to ask.
In a nutshell I will no longer repeat myself. My expectations for you have tripled. I now hold you to the same expectations I hold of myself pet.”
All of that seemed well and good, I understood what miss was saying. Naturally though, i had questions.
I asked, if I would be allowed to bring this topic up again; for example, if I slept on it for a day or two and then had a question.
The answer: no, the topic is closed.
So of course, that made me rack my brain for any possible question I could have. So I asked the same question again, this time about general situations:
“In general, if I hear you say something, and then take a day or two, form a question, may I still ask it?”
The answer: no
Miss then went on to explain how if SHE is not specific, then there is no right or wrong answer. She also said that if something was causing me bodily harm, then of course, ask about it.
What left me feeling discombobulated, is that I rephrased the question I had previously asked, and Miss gave me a different answer, and would not explain the inconsistency.
“Say we talked about a topic one day, and then two days later, I have a question about the thing we talked about. May I ask that?”
- “You may ask questions pet”
So now I’m confused, and since the topic is closed, I can only assume that I’ll be fine with asking questions and the worst that could happen is that I’ll get an “I do not wish to discuss that topic, pet.”
I feel as though this is not going to help the relationship I have with Miss, because I no longer feel it is ‘safe” for me to talk to her As much as I am trying, even right now, to push those feelings out of my head, it has already been laid down that we probably won’t be discussing something more than once any more. I feel like the door to communication, open communication with Miss has closed a bit, and I now that it was entirely my doing. I blew it. I had a great thing and now I have just lost it, and have no idea how to get it back. I cannot even pinpoint why I feel this way, because Miss never said “pet, you may no longer speak with me.” The conversation I had with Miss just left me feeling insecure and not “safe.”
After telling me that she did not wish to discuss this topic any more, I wished Miss a good dinner…which I clearly did not think through. I saw it as “I am finished talking about this topic, bye pet,” so naturally, I did not think she had any more to say, so I said “have a nice dinner Miss.” Unfortunately for me, I jumped the gun on that one, because Miss added onto the conversation, saying that questions are always encouraged, making it look like I had left the conversation before she was done. I honestly was not expecting the last line from Miss, as she had already told me that I am allowed to ask questions.
She then told me that my actions today had disappointed her; and that added to the lack of “safety” I am feeling. I could not ask her about it, because the topic was done, she did not wish to discuss it any more; and I also do not know what particular action caused her disappointment. I also do not feel that I did anything that would disappoint Miss. I was honest about my feelings. If that is disappointing, then I do not know how this is going to work. I asked questions and as open with Miss. She has already said that this is encouraged. I wished her a premature “good dinner,” but that was a communication glitch on my part, that I was not even allowed to talk about. If I will no longer be able to explain communication misunderstandings in the future, then there will be a lot of disappointment, and I will no longer want to be their pet. Because I will never know what made Miss disappointed in me, I will not be able to correct myself in the future, without some trial and error to figure out why she was disappointed. But such is life. This is the way Miss wants it, I will have to accept that.
I can honestly say though, I this is the way it is going to be from now on, I do not think this relationship will not last long. Prior to my visit with Sir and miss last weekend, I had decided that I was going to trust Miss and embrace her control. Now, all of the doubts I felt, all of the thoughts that had gone into making the decision to take a “leap of faith” with Miss need to be looked at, once again. It is frustrating for me, because I feel as though the progress I made, in terms of trying to open myself up to Miss has been erased by this overwhelming feeling of uneasiness.
I have no idea where that puts me, in terms of even thinking about what the future holds. In all honesty, I think I am too discombobulated to think about it productively right now.
!
pet,
To begin I apologise for my inconsistency. I did say no and then say you can always ask questions and that is confusing. you are always encouraged to ask questions, my no was not meant for future conversations but for the one we had today. I did not read your question thoroughly and I apologise. That contradiction definitely is confusing.
The behaviour which was disappointing to me pet has to do with you assuming, has to do with your unwillingness to participate in the conversation. As you were getting frustrated you were shutting the conversation off without taking into consideration my feelings. My continuation of the conversation which lasted 16 minutes was to ensure you understand how I felt and to reassure you understand where my thoughts were coming from. Interestingly, at the end of the conversations you believe the conflict arouse because you were honest, when it did not. I want you to express yourself; however, your continual assumptions simply are not acceptable any longer and that is where my frustration came from, it was not that you were frustrated or annoyed, in fact I stated that I understand why you would be frustrated and or annoyed.
As for leaving the conversation without proper permission, I had stated I was going for dinner and you then asked a question which I answered and we continued to speak. We had engaged again and you simply assumed that when you were finished speaking, when I had stated that I no longer wished to discuss the topic of our conflict you made the choice to leave. You made the choice to be dismissed when clearly that is not acceptable and I had not stated at any time after you had asked that last set of questions that I was excusing myself for dinner and yet you simply decided you were finished. You did not ask permission, you assumed, again!
I admit I am insulted that you feel as though I have diminished communication for I have always expressed for you to communicate. What I have decided is that from this day forward you will need to make the effort to communicate, to ask questions, to speak your feelings and to ensure you have the proper information, I no longer will do that work, that is up to you now. I also simply will end conversations when I have had enough of them, whereas in the past I would ask you if you were comfortable, if you understood. I did not say you communication would end and I did not state you would be corrected or punished for asking questions.
You not feeling safe solely comes from within you. I am not surprised that you have returned to those feelings as you often do when there is conflict. This is a lesson that is crucial for you to learn because no where did I say our relationship was in harms way, in jeopardy.
I hope that my correction on my answer of no helps alleviate some of your conflict pet. I sincerely did not mean to answer in such a manner. I said no to a question that I read incorrectly and that is not fair to you.
Asking questions is okay and encouraged. I will not be willing to repeat myself though, not anymore.
Miss,
I sent you an email.
The way I see into some of not just this post but several others that I’ve read about your trust issues with Miss is that until your trust has grown to an acceptable level maybe you shouldn’t look at that aspect of the relationship on a one on one basis between you and Miss but at the whole situation in it’s entirety. As in Sir rules all. Draw confidence and contentment from the trust you have in Sir and the fact that no matter what He will be there and He has overall control of everything that’s happening. My opinion is that after this happens your trust issues with Miss will diminish because it will force you to see through knowledge that Miss only wishes great things for/with you. Take what you want from it for it’s only my opinion and you already know how I feel about that… MuchDesire
MuchDesire,
Thank you so much for sharing your opinions. They are more than welcome on my blog. I do feel more comfortable when I look at the whole situation; however, I also find that it is important for me to at least work on trusting Miss, as an individual. In my opinion, the whole “machine” will not work smoothly if all of the parts don’t work smoothly individually.
You said something very important in your comment, tat Miss only wishes great things for/with me. I agree, that miss is always looking out for my well-being. I feel it all the time. I don’t really think this situation has to do with trust, as much as it has to do with me freaking out because it felt like it was impossible for me to do what Miss was asking of me. I’ll have more details in my next entry (that I plan on writing today.)
Again, thanks for the comment and keep reading!
Hey there,
It makes me sad to see you flip flop between these highs and lows. This type of behaviour tends to be self perpetuating … a hard cycle to break.
The sadness comes, when i read your words, regardless of any miscommunication or possible exaggeration of emotions at the time of your writing, it is still how you felt in that moment. I read your words and it arouses memories of times gone by, where i spent so much time analyising this and justifying that … that those times begin to outweigh the fun !
You are alot younger than me, i am a fossil by comparison … but i think that entitles me to pass on a little bit of my experience (and hopefully knowledge gained from it), otherwise why would you ask people to comment on your posts??
Remember this is about having fun and following your gut, afterall, no-one else can tell you how to feel, or how you should have felt in a particular situation.
Take care … and i will continue to read with interest.
Tracy
Thanks for your words Tracy,
I completely agree that I have been flip-flopping emotionally, and it IS getting to be quite the vicious cycle. I will also be the first to admit that I do have trust issues with Miss. I think I mainly panicked because she asked me to do something, and then made it impossible for me to do so; so I did not know how I could possibly turn the situation around to make things work.
To be completely blunt, sooner or later, if this continues, I will get tired and emotionally exhausted; and quite simply, the relationship will end. I do not want that time to come any time soon, but I am always mindful that the time may come sooner than I would like.
Again, thanks for your input and advice. I am a young one, and I do appreciate every bit of insight I can get.