It is currently 3:11 AM, and I have been rolling around in bed for 2 and a half hours. The sandman seems to have forgotten about me tonight. Either that, or the amount of sand he has sprinkled into my eyes is not enough to counter the thoughts buzzing around in my head.
At the end of my ramblings about not-so-pretty thoughts, I started thinking about ownership and whether or not it would work with Sir and Miss. Since about a month after meeting Sir and Miss, I decided that I wanted to be owned. Not only that, but that I wanted to be owned by Sir and Miss. The desire to be owned by them still rests inside me and is stronger than ever; however, I have come to the realisation that it just may not be possible. Another thing on my mind is the thought of the relationship I have with Sir and Miss ending, and how much I do not want it to end. Then, of course, there is a part of me that is asking myself how I could make things better, how I could get where I want to go, and what I can do to make things happen.
I think I am having a power struggle with myself. On one hand, I have all the control. At the moment, it is me who would decide whether or not the exchange we share ends. Both Sir and Miss have said that they do not want to stop; so the ball is entirely in my court. On the other hand, I cannot force a connection to happen between me and Miss. I also cannot control the natural chemistry we may or may not have. I would be lying to myself if I said that I am perfectly fine with the thought of continuing our exchange for years to come, without any connection with Miss. And on top of that, I honestly do not think I have tried hard enough or as many different approaches as I can think of, in order to get where I want to be.
I am also scared. Sir and Miss are really the only people I have ever leaned on, seriously leaned on; so if this exchange ends, and I am used to leaning on them, and they are taken out of the picture, I will end up falling flat on my face. I am scared of falling flat on my face. I am also scared that I will never find a “replacement’ for them. The first night I met them, that silent energy and gutspeak that told me to go home with them, was something I had never experienced before. I am afraid that I will never be able to find someone that will make me feel the way Sir and Miss do now.
I do not want to be the girl that spends a week in bed, crying, wallowing, after a break-up. I also do not want to revert back to my old ways and bottle everything inside.
Okay, let’s go back tot he beginning and dissect the mess of thoughts in my head.
I want to be owned. That is my goal, and I am not ready to get rid of my goal yet. I have also realised that I will not be able to go on for long periods of time, playing with Sir and Miss, if I do not have a connection with Miss. I think, in order for me to truly submit to someone, I need to have a connection, a natural chemistry, with him or her. When Miss is controlling me, I feel like I am fighting her. I do what she says, but to me, it does not really feel like submitting to her; it feels more like a trained response. I think part of that come from the fact that Miss is not dominant; and in the past, I have only really felt “true” submission with people who are 100% dominant. Another thing that might be causing me to fight her, is that, for some reason, I feel the need to keep my guard up around her. I started thinking about this, and I have come to the conclusion that if I just take a leap of faith, let my guard down and try to let go or the uncertainties and uneasiness I feel with Miss, it may bring us closer to having a connection with each other. It is just so scary for me to do that. I do not know why I have “guard” issues; but I think, in order to make this work, I need to resolve them.
So of course, all of these thoughts got me to thinking about what we have experienced together so far. Have I truly been submitting to Miss? Or am I really just submitting to Sir, and showing Miss a trained response? I am not too sure, whether or not it is okay to just give a trained response, but to me, it seems almost like I am cheating, like the exchange is not genuine, for a lack of a better word. Of course, this is all okay if Miss is not looking for submission, and is happy with me obeying because I have been trained to do so; but the one thing I want is to be giving Sir and Miss what they want from me. I really just want to please them and do the best job I can, and when I am no longer pleasing, or if they are not getting anything out of the exchange, I would want it to stop.
At the same time, as much as it would hurt, I know that when my gut tells me it is time to stop, it is really time to stop. I suppose a large part of my emotional turmoil stems from me having all the control, in terms of ending the relationship. It becomes a battle between what I need to do and what I want. And I know it will hurt. And it just all bothers me because I will be the one causing my own pain. In my opinion, it is far easier to take emotional pain that comes from something someone else did; but to feel pain because of your own actions, or because you are doing something “for your own good,” is a lot harder.
As I was talking to Sephani Paige today (actually yesterday,) I realised one of the factors that is contributing to my fear, my uneasiness. Sir and Miss have taught be to lean, to start depending on someone other than myself, to share, to be vulnerable, to feel, to cry openly, and to embrace my emotions. They have helped me through a lot, from learning to embrace my emotions, to giving me life advice. I can honestly say that some of my most vulnerable moments have been while cuddling with them, or while sitting on the floor of their living room, or while on webacm with them. Because of that, I am scared that I will have no one to lean on, when our exchange ends. Before meeting Sir and Miss, I had been a one-man show. I took care of myself in the best way I knew how; and coped (perhaps not in the healthiest manner) with my emotions. After spending some time with them, I started to lean, share my feelings with them and ask them for help when I needed it. I have gotten to the point where I am almost completely comfortable going to them with my problems, or when I really just need to talk. Now, I know that the end of our exchange as Sir, Miss and pet does not mean that they disappear off the face of the earth and vanish from my life; but I also cannot help but feel insecure, at the thought of not being able to go back to my one-man show. In the back of my mind, I fear that after leaning on them, I will not be able to hold myself up; but instead, that I will fall flat on my face.
I think what i have with Sir and Miss is the kinky equivalent to the vanilla “first love.’ Because of that, it is only natural that I fear not being able to find a “replacement” for Sir and Miss in my life. The energy that was felt on our first night together was something I had never experienced before, and I can only hope that I will have the opportunity of feeling it again. I do not ever think I will forget that night, and the power of the voice in my gut. Rationally, I know that, unless I do not want to, I will eventually find someone for myself whom I click with, and whom I love. However, the young girl inside me is still amazed at the events that took place on the night I met Sir and Miss. Deep inside, although not rational, I fear that I will never find someone as fulfilling as Sir and Miss are to me.
So, what am I supposed to make of all these thoughts? I have no idea. I just felt it was important to get them all down, to release some of the turmoil that I feel inside, onto my little corner of the internet, and to put my thoughts down or virtual paper as a means of trying to process them.
Sleep would be great right about now…
!
pet,
after our conversation yesterday I completely understood how the relationship we share is similar to that of a vanilla first love, which is why the idea of the relationship changing must feel exceptionally scary to you.
The thing about life pet is that it really is all about getting hurt, picking yourself up, learning to trust others, opening yourself to many, not just two people and being vulnerable to the world. Your life is really just starting and there are so many amazing experiences to have, to embrace, to laugh from and cry from.
I think “firsts” are always monumental and Master and I have been your firsts for many, many experiences. I think it is wonderful that you have learned to trust, to lean on, to turn to both of us when you wish to talk, when you need a shoulder to lean on and if our relationship has taught you anything I am honoured that we have helped teach you that you do not need to be a one woman show, that you do not need to and that it is important not to just be in a bubble, in a guarded shell stopping all wonderful chances of meeting people who make you smile, give you tingles, open your eyes to a brand new world.
I can understand how awkward it can feel to have all the control with regards to ending the relationship. I believe though that this is an important lesson for you, granted a challenging one. Being responsible, being accountable for your actions actually helps make you stronger and is an incredibly important and significant life lesson.
I am not sure if it helps or not but I do wish for you to know that although we are both happy to keep training you, if either me or Master feels as though the relationship is no longer healthy for you, we will make that decision to alter it, to stop the training and move to friendship. The control truly does go both ways pet.
Life is short pet. Days might seem long but years pass far too quickly and it is important to enjoy the here and now. I confess it concerns me that you feel the experience of submitting to me is not a genuine one for all experiences of such a nature are best when genuine, are healthy when genuine.
Change is often challenging pet and although Master and I would not disappear I understand why the idea of not being trained by us is scary. Still, holding on to something that does not feel genuine, that may not feel like a “real” experience is unhealthy and could do more damage in the long run.
I am proud of you for expressing yourself. Two months ago you never would have. You have come a long way.
Miss,
My experience with you and Sir has most definitely been full of “firsts.” Like you, I absolutely have no regrets; however, in the future (be it near or far,) I will probably be looking for single playmates.
In the back of my mind, i know you and Sir would end the exchange if you felt it was unhealthy, but it does not really help me much with the feeling that i have all the control.
No matter what happens though, I think I will find a way to make it all work out in the end.
pet,
Hindsight is 20/20. I think that perhaps finding a single instead of a couple might possibly be a smart move; however, it is not so bad to leave all options open having just a hint of caution.
With regards to your feelings of having control, I sincerely believe that is an incredibly important life lesson and although it is a challenging one, I am happy Master and I are part of it.
Wonderful expression! Although I can relate and understand, this is between you, Sir and Miss, so I wil keep my comments to myself. The writing is excellent.
Thanks Tina =)
Writing everything out most certainly made sleep come easier. I think putting it all down helped me process and understand my own thoughts as well as address the fear and insecurity I am feeling. I would actually love to hear your insight, if you feel like sharing, and if you do not want to share publicly, you can always send me an email.
Again a very thoughtful and open post! I can understand your fears very well. I once was in a situation in my vanilla life where I had the opportunity to do something I wanted to do for a very long time. But then it didn’t work out the way I had hoped and I finally had to decide to give it up. Afterwards I felt very sad and insecure for quite a long time. And this wasn’t about love and sexuality! The thought of losing Ludwig and the things I’m sharing with him is much more frightening and I can’t really imagine how I could go on without him. But I’ve also learned that things often don’t turn out the way one plans. And that doesn’t mean that unexpected changes always have to be bad. For example I had very different plans for my life before I met Ludwig and I was happy with them. But now I’m even happier. I just hope that your gut feel will tell you which path to take!
One more little remark: When I read your description about your feelings towards Miss and her warm and thoughtful comment I had a very strong gut feel, telling me that there IS a connection between the two of you. Maybe not the kind of connection you might need for submitting to her, but when I see how you talk about and with each other on the blog the following words come to mind: “Mutual care” and “openness”. I don’t know whether this makes any sense to you, but I just wanted to mention it.
Funny you should mention your thought about Miss and I having a connection. I think you are right. Sir told me a while ago, that he thought Miss and I had a connection; and while I didn’t see it at first, you helped me see it. We do care for each other and are open with each other, sometimes even brutally honest. Perhaps, in my search for the same connection I have with Sir, I ignored the connection Miss and I DO have.
I believe that this experience will teach me about life, and how things often do not go as planned. I have thought about what could possibly happen, and I most certainly do not want to be stuck in a rut of self-pity.
It’s nice to see that your unplanned relationship with Ludwig turned out so nicely though. It gives me some confidence that things that deviate from the plan can turn out well.
I’m glad that what I wrote somehow seems to make sense to you! And don’t worry, of course there are things in life which are purely negative and sad (like losing a beloved one), but unexpected events and new paths can be great, too. During the recent years a lot of my paths suddenly changed. But the steps I had taken usually still made sense, just in a new context!
Maybe one day that special relationship between Sir, Miss and you will be over. But maybe it won’t be because of a missing connection but because you’ll have met a partner and started a kinky relationship. And maybe that doesn’t mean that you’ll lose Sir and Miss, either. Maybe your relationship will just change. One never knows…
I hope things are working themselves out for you now. Your posts are always very thought-provoking, so thanks for sharing.
Thanks J,
I enjoy sharing with the people out there. Besides, it helps me get all the thoughts out of my mind.
I just came home from a nice weekend with Sir and Miss. Stuff is working out now. A post about it is soon to come!
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