Read My Kink

After spending a nice weekend with Sir and Miss, I am left with many not-so-nice thoughts; thoughts that leave me conflicted and unsettled inside, wondering what I should or could do.  These thoughts consumed me last night (until about 4:30 this morning), as I rolled around in bed, trying to make sense of my feelings.

There is no doubt that I enjoy my time with Sir and Miss.  In fact, I often crave it, look forward to it, and get excited over it.  This weekend though, was a little bit different.  Perhaps it was the stress of studying for exams, or an aftershock of some family drama; but I came in this weekend feeling uneasy, scared, and a plethora of other mixed emotions.  I wrote a little bit about these emotions in my last entry; but since then, I have thought about other factors contributing to my anxiety.

Since the very beginning of my interactions with Sir and Miss, I have had a more natural connection, better chemistry, with Sir than with Miss.  What I have been noticing lately; or rather, what I have decided to pay attention to lately is that when Miss is controlling me, I obey, I listen, I do what she tells me to; but it really is not the same as when I obey, listen, and do what Sir.  I think it all really comes down to me being physically submissive to Miss, but not mentally submissive.   It feels as though I am going through the motions with her, and it also feels like part of the reason I am submitting to her is because I have a mental connection with Sir, an emotional desire to please him.

So here is what’s running through my mind (If this is not legible, leave a comment, send me an email, or ask me on my formspring page and I’ll do my best to type it up):

So of course, the logical wheels in my brain started turning, trying to figure out why I feel so uneasy. The way I see it, if Sir and Miss are equals, I should be serving them and pleasing them equally.  This, however, is not the case.  I think I feel more of a desire to be pleasing to Sir, and that some of my motive behind obeying Miss, is because I know Sir wants me to.  Because I do not have much of a connection with Miss, I do not have a deep desire to please her for only her pleasure, but also for Sir’s pleasure.  To put it bluntly, if Sir were out of the picture, I would probably not be as obedient with Miss.  I probably would not submit to her, and we would probably just be friends.

Why this drives me crazy, is because that train of thought looks more like Diagram A, rather than Diagram B.  In diagram A, Sir is the most important person in the dynamic, and it makes it okay to be obedient to Miss, solely to please Sir.  I feel like in this exchange, I am cheating Miss of my “effort.”  I use the term ‘effort” loosely, because it is not quite the word I am looking for.  In any case, I feel as though my motive behind being obedient to Miss is wrong.

I spoke with Miss about this some time ago, about how I do not feel like we have much of a connection.  In that conversation, she said that she did not need a connection to continue training me.  I am beginning to realise that while she does not need one, I think I do.  I feel as though without a connection, I become very robotic, and it is no longer as fun.  Selfishly speaking, it is not a worthwhile experience if I am only physically submitting and am not submitting mentally as well.

Right now, I feel as though the “positive” I get from the connection I have with Sir outweighs the “negative” I get from not having a connection with Miss.  While logically, I am still on the positive side of things, I really have to consider my emotions.  This situation makes me feel guilty.  I met Sir and Miss and wanted to play with them because they are a couple.  The way things are going now, it seems almost as though I am playing with them for one half of the couple.  I feel like I am giving more of my submission to Sir than to Miss, and I feel that it is unfair for Miss, if I give more to Sir.

Miss made a good point, when we spoke about this a while ago.  She said something along the lines of: “eventually, if we keep going like this, you will get tired and end the relationship. “  It saddens me to think of it, but I would be lying if I said the thought has not crossed my mind.  Of course, with the way my mind works, I came up with a nifty little flowchart:

So clearly, calling it quits now is just about the worst thing I could do.  If I did, then I would end up sad and curious about what could have been.  Ideally, I would love for time to help a connection between me and Miss form; however, I would be foolish to think that is a definite outcome.  For now, I have decided to give it more time.  It has not even been a year since we started playing, and I do not want to give up prematurely.  As for whether or not I would end the relationship after time goes on and Miss and I still do not have a connection, I do not know.  To be honest though, there are times when I do not know if saying in this lopsided exchange is right.  I suppose I will just have to be patient and let my gut decide.

———————————————————————————————————————————-

I took a break from my post to have a chat with Sir, and have decided that I am approaching this the wrong way.  One thing I really did not know what that Miss had a good weekend last weekend.  I suppose I never noticed because I am not all that great at reading her, and I did not really ask.  I also delved into my sea of festering emotions, and did not really look at the big picture. Knowing that miss had a good weekend puts me at ease a little bit and makes me feel less guilty for not serving her on the same level as I do Sir.

After talking with Sir, I think I need to modify my ideals and ways of thinking, in order for this exchange to work.  He said that it does not necessarily have to be a 50-to-Miss, 50-to-Sir type of exchange.  He also said that as long as I am obeying, Miss probably wouldn’t care about my motive behind obeying her. If that is the case, then I can go on obeying Miss, in order to please Sir.

Taking everything into account, I have a new picture of what our dynamic looks like:

One thing that I am still wrestling with, is the robotic feeling I experience when Miss is controlling me.  Perhaps it is just something that I need to accept; that I may never really feel a mental/emotional connection or natural chemistry between us.  If Miss can continue training me without needing a connection, I suppose I should be able to be trained by her without having a connection.  This idea makes me question whether or not ownership would work between us.  I think, in order for me to feel comfortable being owned by both Sir and Miss, I would need to have good chemistry and somewhat of a connection with both of them.  For now though, through lots of rambling, a bit of “hamstering,” and with the help of some friends, my mind is somewhat at ease.

!