Read My Kink

Photo Credit: Matt Mahurin, for Newsweek

I am feeling discombobulated right now.  I do not know why I feel it, but I know exactly what triggered it.  Today, Miss wrote two lovely entries about objectification.  The first entry she wrote was about objectification in general, while the second entry was about a/some particular instance(s) when she felt like an object.  After reading Miss’s second entry, I was overcome by a very uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach; and I think that feeling is fear.

After having an hour or so to think it through, I think a large part of my fear is that I am scared of giving as much control as Miss has given up, even if that is very far into my future.  The thought of existing solely to please someone else, sends red flags shooting up in my mind and my gut. At the same time, the thought of being controlled by someone, having someone be my proverbial “permission slip” in life, arouses me.

It is quite an interesting feeling, when what scares me shitless is also something that arouses me to no end.  I honestly do not know quite what to make of it, how to categorise, define, and embrace these emotions.

I like my independence.  I like being able to do what I like, when I like it.  I like being able to call the shots for myself, and to have control over my life.  Independence is what I am used to, what I have had for the last 18 (more accurately, 15) years of my life.  The thought of someone taking that away feels like a sharp jab to my stomach.

Thinking further, I realise that giving control up does not necessarily mean giving independence up.  It does not mean that I am committing social suicide, that my entire life will forever be devoted to making one person happy and nothing else.  I look at the relationship Sir and Miss have, and Miss is still her own being, she is not silenced, her opinions are hers, she is free to share what is on her mind, and she has a fairly active social life.

I think a lot of my anxiety comes from me associating control with someone taking my “life” away.  Because of some events in my past, I associate control with someone always opposing my opinions and enforcing what they think is right, regardless of what I think.  I have failed to realise that I have given a lot of control up to Sir and Miss.  When I think about it, they are not overbearing, and do not necessarily tell me “no,” when they do not agree with my opinion.  With them, I am allowed to have an opinion and express it.  Even though I do not necessarily get them, I am allowed to ask them for things I want.  It is also almost effortless for me to share with them, about my thoughts, ideas, and decision-making.  They do not micromanage my life, but they do have control over some (most?) of it.

At the beginning of my exploration in the world of kink, I was very much against the idea of being owned.  I also hated the idea of wearing a collar, mostly because I did not (and still do not) like things around my neck; but also because I wanted any play I was involved in to be no strings attached.  To have someone call the shots for me, control me, and be included in every decision I make, was a very difficult concept for me to grasp.  It was difficult because for my entire life, I have always been the one to be there for myself.  Growing up, I was a very independent child, and learned to take care of myself as soon as I was physically able to do so.  I did not really consult with my parents in my decision-making, and would only turn to them when I needed something that I could not get myself.

But people change; at least, I know I certainly have.

As I sit here and write this, I think back to how much I have grown, evolved as a human, and as a submissive.  I sit here now, wearing a baby pink collar, getting wet from merely thinking about my future as a pet to Sir and Miss, and also further down the road, when I find someone for myself.  Looking back, the transition from being “no strings attached,” to calling them “Sir and Miss,” and being “pet” was smooth.  Even now, unless I am reminded, I almost forget that they can control almost all of my life.

At the end of the day, I think my uneasy, unsettled feeling was a slight moment of irrationality.  There is really no need to panic over something that is not going to happen for quite some time.  When the time is right, for me to give even more control up, for me to feel comfortable being here for someone else’s pleasure, I probably will not even see it coming.  For now though, I am determined to not let my fear of something so far in the future, get in the way of what I am experiencing in the present.

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