It has been about three months since I wrote about Sir and Miss not controlling my life outside playtime with them. Through that entire experience, I grew both as an individual and as a submissive. I learned about myself, my emotions and trust. I also learned to accept my desires and embrace my feelings about the things that go on in my life. I am pleased to say, that after a third attempt at writing a list, Sir and Miss have taken control over some parts of my life.
Looking back, I can clearly see that I was not ready to have control taken away from me, the first and second times I gave them a list. My first list (of more than twenty-five items) was written in fear and displayed a lack of trust. That list was very long because I was preparing for the worst and not trusting that Sir and Miss would not micromanage my life. The second list I wrote was slightly shorter, but was still written in fear and distrust. After taking a month to think about it, I realised that Sir and Miss are reasonable people, and that they do not want to micromanage me. I have since taken tat list and cut it down to five items, things that I just am not ready to let go of yet. One day in the future though, I wish to have no list, to surrender all control; but if there is one thing I have learned, it is that things take time to develop, that I need time to grow and learn.
Putting my limits down on a piece of paper was hard for me, for several reasons. For one thing, it involved admitting to myself that I wanted to be controlled, that I wanted to give that control up, and that by doing so, I would have to lean on Sir and Miss a little. I am just getting over my aversion to depending on people for things, finally realising that I really cannot do everything on my own, that sometimes I need help, and that it is okay to ask for help. Having Sir and Miss take control over aspects of my life, means that I ask them for things, I share things with them, I include them in some (all?) of my decision making, and discuss my problems with them. Because I am used to doing all of this for myself, it is a little bit difficult for me to give them some of my “load/weight/baggage.”
For another, it required that I have faith in Sir and Miss, and trust that they would not make my life miserable all the time. I also needed to accept that if Sir and/or Miss wanted to take something away from me (that is not on the list), they could, even if they did not have a logical reason for doing so. Writing it all down made me panic a little bit, because it was scary to think about how much control Sir and Miss could potentially take away from me. While these thoughts scared me to no end, they also aroused me.
When I think about Sir and Miss controlling me, I get a gush or wetness in my panties, and a nice feeling in the pit of my stomach. Whenever I ask to use the toilet, ask to go out with friends, or get told to have an orgasm (or two, or three, or eleven,) I cannot help but smile. There are times when I do not feel like doing what I am told, particularly when it comes to “pet, you will have __ orgasms today;” however, I find enjoyment in doing it anyway, simply because Sir and/or Miss told me to.
Learning to obey Sir and Miss, regardless of whether or not I feel like doing something has made me grow a lot as a submissive. I am beginning to accept that life with them is not always going to be fair, and that there will be times they want me to do something just because it pleases them. An example of this is last Thursday, when they told me I was to have eleven orgasms between Thursday night and 10:30 on Friday morning. It was interesting though. While orgasms are almost always associated with pleasure, i viewed this task more as work. I do not have many orgasms throughout my week, and most often only have them when Sir and Miss tell me to; so having to fit eleven orgasms in, in a span of about sixteen hours was quite a daunting task. I approached the situation by setting a goal, to get all eleven orgasms done before sleeping that night. To me, having to have so many orgasms in a short time took away from the pleasure of the actual orgasm. By the end of it, all I wanted was to be done with them. At the same time, it was not unpleasurable , because I was doing it for Sir and Miss.
Overall, I am happy with the direction that my relationship with Sir and Miss is going in. I am looking forward to growing more each day and continuing to explore the world of kink with them. As Sir wrote earlier today, he has been thinking about some plans for my future with them. I cannot wait to see what he has in store.
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