Read My Kink

Thirteen years ago, I was a major fan of the Spice Girls.  Little five-year-old me would put the music on and dance around my living room (sometimes naked – yes, I was an exhibitionist at a very young age) while singing along to what were at the time, words of wisdom.

My last visit with Sir and Miss made me think about one song in particular, “Wannabe.”  The title of this post come from the lyrics of that song; and it most certainly reflects a couple things that happened last week.  A week before my visit, Sir and Miss asked me what I wanted to experience.

I was torn between wanting a gentle weekend with lots of hugs and cuddles, and wanting a weekend to play with the Bastard and Pandora (if she wanted to come out.)  I had just asked Sir and Miss to control parts of my life outside of playtime with them, and it had triggered quite the emotional response from me.  I was most definitely craving a hug, and really wanted a cuddle.  The other half of me, though, really wanted to be pushed, to be vulnerable, to have my “armour” stripped from my body and to be controlled.

In the end, after some brain storming with Sir and Miss, I asked them if we could do an interrogation scene.  I had a feeling that I would not be able to last more than ten minutes; but Sir reassured me that I didn’t need to last long, and that all I had to do was try.  I know that Sir and Miss do not really ever do “role play,” so it was interesting to experience a “scene” with them.

I was dragged out of the cage and into a cold shower sometime between 7:00 and 10:00.  I had not gotten a lot of sleep the night before, and the sleep I did get was busy and restless.  I think, when given the right materials, I like to do sleep bondage.  Moving on, after the cold shower, I was hooded, blindfolded, and marched downstairs, into the basement.  That proved to be the first obstacle of my day.  For me, going down stairs while blindfolded is scary.  I am not great and going down a flight of stairs to begin with, and not being able to see where I am going makes me hesitate with every step.  Luckily for me, I think Sir and Miss made a pet-sandwich, with Sir standing in front of me and Miss behind.

As soon as I was downstairs, Sir and Miss guided me over to a chair with a dildo strapped onto it.  They sat me down, strapped me to the chair, and then began with their questions.

Sir and Miss questioned me about the amount of cock I had been sucking, why it was that my mouth had not been used as much, why I had had so much trouble finding a cock to suck, when I claimed to be a greedy cock whore.  At first, I had trouble taking things seriously, almost laughing at times; but that was soon rectified by a sharp slap on the thigh or tits, or being pushed down further onto the dildo.

The entire hour spent on interrogation turned me on, but did not push me as far as I thought it would.  One thing that made me uneasy was having the chair raised off the ground a bit, so I was hanging a little bit.  My feet could touch the ground, but at the expense of having the two straps on my abdomen dig into my skin even more.  I have always wanted to try being suspended with rope bondage; but the idea of hanging off the ground and potentially being swung around without having the ability to move or try to break my fall is scary.  One day, when the time is right, I will take the plunge into suspension bondage.  After all, I will try anything twice (within reason) before deciding that I’m not into it.

Back to the interrogation, it was fun, but didn’t really push me to where I wanted to be.  There were moments of panic, but I was just able to recover too quickly; unlike the first time I played with the Bastard. Not to say it was a bad experience, quite the contrary, it turned me on a great deal; but I think somewhere deep down inside, I want to be pushed a little more, or rather, I wanted to be pushed a little more so that I could have a nice release of emotions.  Those emotions came back much later in the weekend, very much after the fact, and it’s not until now when I’m looking back that I can understand where the emotions went.  In essence, I was able to remain somewhat together and calm during the interrogation  because I bottled everything in.  It was as though I was putting my guard up again, or at least holding a shield, so that I could make it through whatever Sir and Miss had in store for me.  I’m not sure how I feel about this yet…I’m still working it out.

The interrogation scene most definitely left its mark on my body.  But more than that, I was trying to work out why it is so hard for me to answer Sir and Miss’s questions.  There was a point during the interrogation where I just went silent, needing a moment of quiet for myself  The one question I always have trouble answering is “pet, what do you want?”  I am not sure why I have such difficulty spilling it out.  At times, I don’t even know what I want, so I cannot really give them a straight answer. I think, for me, because I do not always know what I want, being asked to tell someone my desires on the spot without having time to think about it makes me panic a little bit.

After the interrogation, Sir filled a container with ice and water.  He then told me to lay on my stomach and stick my breasts inside.  That was perhaps one of the meanest things Sir has done to me.  I could feel the burn of the ice on my flesh, as I tried hard to stay down and resist my temptation to come back up.  When he finally let me up, I was relieved; however, he was not quite done with me.  After I had sat up, Sir took my hands and shoved them in the water, and wouldn’t let them out.  He then asked me what I wanted, and I could not answer him.  I mean, the answer was right in front of me, obviously, what I wanted was to be allowed to take my hands out of the freezing cold water; but I froze.  I got flustered and panicked.  I physically fought against Sir’s force on my hands, and could not vocalise my desire to be let up.  That is something I would like to work on in the future, being able to express my desires through words.

For the next visit I have with Sir and Miss (this coming weekend,) Miss has asked me to give her a list of three things I wish to experience.  I think part of what makes it so difficult to express my wants is that I have gotten used to Sir and miss just being in control, doing what they want to me.  Because I have gotten comfy in letting them be in control, I have not had to think about what I want at times.  I suppose what I want is for Sir and Miss to be in control, so that I can take a break from being in control.  At the same time, that does not mean I should shut off my brain function and not have opinions or desires.  It’s all about finding a balance.

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PS: New Photo Gallery Update!  Take a look, tell me what you think.