Read My Kink

As a child, my kindergarten teachers introduced me to a wonderful book, The Little Engine That Could, by Watty Piper .  I cannot really remember the nitty gritty details, but essentially, it is about a long train that needs to be pulled up a mountain.  Many people, engineers, are asked to do the job, but for one reason or another, they refuse.  In the end, a small blue engine is asked to do the job; and while he does not promise a success, he replies with “I think I can.”  From ages 4 – 8, that story was my inspiration for anything I thought I could not do.  Whether it was being able to climb a tree without falling, being the shortest kid trying to play basketball, or getting through a particularly difficult (at the time) piece of piano music; the little blue engine instilled an optimistic sense of perseverance in me.

It’s funny how, as a kid, things never seemed impossible to me, but now that I am all grown up (well…barely grown up,) I can make the tiniest little bump look like a mountain.  It’s as though the little blue engine that once inspired me to try everything without the thought of failure, got bored with me and chugged out of my life.  Perhaps, it did not leave by its own will, but was pushed out by my negative thoughts and constant worry about failure.

I have previously written a little bit on the topic of trust, and while I have gotten better at opening myself up; I still have problems allowing myself to trust other people, and even to trust myself.  Lately, I have found myself doubting my desires, my abilities, and my gut feelings.  I do not know where my lack of self-trust has come from, but I think that it is time I put a stop to it.  I am still not sure how I will go about doing this, but I have come to realise that I cannot possibly expect someone else to believe in me, when I do not even believe in myself.

One thing that I really want to do in the next few months is to be able to let my guard down with Miss.  After my visit with Sir and Miss last weekend, I find that I am more guarded when I am playing with Miss than I am when I am playing with Sir.  To be clear, this does not mean that I respect Miss less as a person; but I just do not trust her yet.  A few months ago, I thought the only way I could trust her was to jump into the deep end, so to speak; to just decided “okay, I’m going to trust her,” and just let things play out.

Unfortunately, it is not quite that simple.  I think that I just need more time to get familiar with Miss using me for her pleasure, and to get more comfortable with her.  A few days ago, I was upset with myself, because I truly thought that Miss and I would be at a point where I could stop fighting myself and be vulnerable with her.  I was disappointed, and felt like the reason things with Miss weren’t happening at the pace I wanted was because I wasn’t trying hard enough. The thought that we just may not be compatible entered my mind, and I came crashing down for a short moment.  I really want for this relationship to continue, but in order for that to happen in a manner that will not drive me completely insane, I need to remember that things take time, and that sometimes they take more time than I would like.

Later on in that same visit, I shocked myself a little bit, by not panicking while Sir’s cock was deep inside my mouth.  Normally, or at least lately, the deeper Sir puts his cock, the more I gag, making me panic, often leading to me throwing up.  I am not sure what made me want to stop panicking that day.  Perhaps I was just emotionally worn out, too tired to panic and fight; or maybe I just wanted something to go well that day (I’ll explain the other parts of what happened in another post,) but I just told myself that I was going to relax and not panic when Sir’s cock made me gag.

It’s funny how strong a thought, a reminder can be.  Because I kept telling myself not to panic, I gagged but did not throw up.  I also managed to suck Sir’s cock, without making a mess of saliva on a towel underneath for the first time.  This was also the first time I swallowed  Sir’s cum.  In all honesty, it was a great experience, sort of like a non-thought-provoked lightbulb moment.

Looking back, I have come to realise that I can really do anything I put my mind up to.  Some things may take more time than others; but as long as I do not lose sight of my goal(s), I will end up doing what I want to be able to do.  I have decided to welcome the little blue engine back into my life.  I have been going too long without it.

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