Photo Credit: Najma
So, I need to interrupt my thoughts and entries on Hurdles to bring up a more pressing event in my life – my possible trip down Insanity Lane.
I know I have written a lot about Sir and Miss controlling me outside of playtime with them; and I doubt that this will be the last time. So continuing from the last time I wrote about it, Miss told me that day, that they were not going to let me have another shot at the list thing for another month. The lightbulb moment I had in the shower that day came way too early for my liking. I sometimes strongly dislike how quickly things come to me because then, especially in this case, it means I get to do a lot of waiting time. Because constantly thinking about it would have driven me crazy for a month, I decided to lock any thought of Sir and Miss taking control of me in a box and shove it under my bed, figuratively speaking.
What I neglected to account for was that i have a memory, and that my box is not made out of lead. I cannot simply lock a thought away and forget I ever had it. For the first little while (three weeks) it worked out wonderfully. I didn’t ever give it a second thought, and when those thoughts creeped up on me, I would simply ignore them. This week, however, the thoughts that are locked away in my flimsy cardboard box have been pushing to be let out.
It all started towards the end of my last visit with Sir and Miss last weekend. I do not know what triggered it; perhaps it was just having some down time, but after some playtime, I laid down on the floor, curled up in a blanket, in front of the TV. I ended up going into some pretty deep thoughts about wanting to be controlled, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.
I tried to be quiet about it, but perhaps that is what gave me away, because not long after my gush of emotions started, Sir got a glimpse of my face and grabbed me in a cuddle. I tried fighting him, but I knew he wasn’t going anywhere. I really don’t know why I still try to fight. One would think that by now, I would be comfortable enough to show my vulnerability and emotion to Sir and Miss; but a part of me still says that I need to do it on my own.
After a long and much-needed hug, Sir finally put me down. I had half of a lightbulb moment a few minutes later…that I just can’t do it all on my own. I say it was a half lightbulb moment because I am still in the process of accepting this, and convincing myself that it’s okay. I know that Sir and Miss are only a phone call away if I need to talk, but I am having a bit of rouble with potentially wanting/needing to ask them for a visit or for a video chat, etc. I am sure that in time, I will come to terms with myself and work it out.
Three weeks ago, Sir or Miss or both of them said that this month would either make me want to be controlled, or make me realise that I really don’t want it. After having three weeks to think, I have decided that I really want it. The next seven days are going to be challenging; and even then, there are no guarantees. Miss only said that we would reassess the situation, not that they would take control of me for sure. I really do hope though, that Sir and Miss will think I am ready for it; because it just might kill me, emotionally, to not have them control parts of my life. I am still dead scared of parts of giving control up; and I still do not know if I will be able to handle it. At the same time, I have come to the realisation that I will never know if I do not give it a shot. So, my thought right now is that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I want Sir and Miss to take more control from me. Now, I just need to tough it out for another seven days.
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