Photo Credit: Doug Savage
One thing that happened in the midst of all my emotional imbalance is that I tore my asscunt while training it. I wrote a few months back about using an anal dilator kit to train my asscunt, with the goal of someday being fucked in the ass; and have neglected to write about it. In the beginning, my training went really well; so well, that Sir and I decided to skip a few of the earlier weeks in the schedule he made. I eventually got to a point where I was using the fourth plug (out of five,) but had a very tired, almost overtired, asscunt as a result. Because Miss did not want me to push my asscunt too far, We all agreed that it would be best for me to take a one week break.
After that one week break, I tried training again, this time starting out with the third plug. Unfortunately, the time away from training made my asscunt less stretchable, and I had a lovely anal tear. I gave myself a week to heal and tried again with plug number three. It was fine going in, but on the way out, I re-ripped my asscunt and had to rest. Again.
I am not a patient person, more so when it comes to being patient with myself. I am also a bit of a perfectionist; and while I am much better at not striving for perfection that I was a few years ago, a part of me was just annoyed that my asscunt was not working perfectly At this point, I was really frustrated with myself, but knew better than to restart training prematurely. I took a full two weeks off of training, applying the cream given to me from the doctor regularly.
I was completely unmotivated and scared of re-tearing my asscunt. Sir wanted me to try with the third plug again, but something inside me held me back. After some debate with Sir about switching to the second plug, instead of the third; he ended up telling me to just “do whatever I had to do.”
I honestly cannot remember what happened next, but it was around the time Sir and Miss stopped controlling me outside of time spent in their physical presence. Something made me stop training my asscunt. I was less motivated because Sir and Miss were no longer controlling my asscunt training. Furthermore, I had also lost confidence in my hole to perform properly.
To help me keep my focus on moving on, and not what has already happened, Sir has given me a goal. In ten weeks, he will fuck me in the ass. This thought scares the hell out of me. My asscunt is a very tight hole. Even putting a finger inside, I can feel the muscles pressing against my finger. I cannot even imagine Sir’s cock entering my asscunt.
I know that it will hurt; that is not what I am worried about. What I am worried about, scared of, is another rip. Even now that I have started to train regularly again, I approach asscunt training with less enthusiasm and more caution and nervousness. It is an irrational thought, but it feels as though it is a personal failure for me, if my asscunt rips again.
I have come to realise that expecting my asscunt to never rip again is unrealistic. Rips and tears happen, and the only thing I can do is wait for them to heal and move on. Changing my way of thinking has helped me alleviate my doubts towards training again, and I am starting (slowly) to look forward to my time with the plugs again. With patience and perseverance, I am sure my asscunt will co-operate with me again.
Thinking of Miss has inspired me to continue with training. She was scared and nervous to let me touch her, to receive pleasure from my touch; yet she did it anyway. She pushed herself because she knew it would help her grow and because she knew it would be pleasing to Sir. I never really understood Miss’s feelings until I paralleled her situation with my asscunt training. When I think about Miss, I ask myself why she is so nervous, how I can make it easier for her, and why she doesn’t just jump into allowing me to touch her.
Since I have applied her situation to my own, I asked myself the same questions. I am nervous because I do not want another tear. Having Sir and Miss control my asscunt training would make is much easier for me, as it would be motivating; but since that option is not available, I need to be my own motivation. To make things easier on myself, I have decided to multitask and do something I enjoy while training my asscunt, such as playing a computer game, or watching a show that I enjoy. I also find that measuring time by episodes of a TV show, songs, or levelling up in Dragon Age is better for me than constantly staring at the clock. As for why I don’t just jump in and train? I am out of excuses. There is absolutely no reason why I should be stuck in the past and hold myself back from having a nicely trained fuckhole. So, I have come to the conclusion that it’s time to quit whining and just go for it.
Although Sir and Miss are not controlling my asscunt training directly, I am still doing it, in part, for their pleasure. I know that at the end of the day, a well trained asscunt is better to play with, to fuck, than one that isn’t trained. At the end of the day, my role as pet is to bring pleasure to them; and if training my asscunt will help me, I’ll do it. I’ll do it and I will succeed.
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