Read My Kink

Photo Credit: MyHorse.com

A few weeks ago, a scene in Grey’s Anatomy struck a chord with me.  It was something that Owen Hunt said to an old friend, Teddy.

Owen: You can’t un-ring a bell

Teddy: I know, but I’m going to try like hell

I do not necessarily want to try to un-ring the bell I rang with Sir an Miss; but rather, I want to just move forward.  It is true, that you cannot un-ring a bell; but what you can do is stop ringing it.  I have learned from my mistakes, and know not to repeat them.  There is no doubt that I will male mistakes again; that is inevitable.  The proverbial bell I do not want to ring again is beating myself up, overthinking, and getting stuck in my mistakes.  I have control over my thoughts towards myself, and in the future, I want to stop dwelling in my “failures.”

Over the last few days, I have been doing a lot of (perhaps too much) thinking. After a conversation with Sir a couple nights ago, a conversation with Miss yesterday, and a little thought-chat with the hamster in my head, I have decided that I need to forget about what has happened in the past, and move forward.

I have accumulated a lot of baggage (in comparison to what I had before) and have noticed a loss of faith in myself.  I am finding that I have lost a lot of confidence, and turned myself into a nervous wreck.  What I need to do now is to learn from my experiences and move forward with life.  There is no point in being stuck in a rut, as it won’t help me with any personal growth, and it won’t help me be a better pet for Sir and Miss.

Until after my conversation with Miss yesterday, I had always had an image in my head of a line of horse jumps (as shown above,) with being a good pet at the end of the line, after getting through all the jumps.  I have come to realise that being a good pet does not mean I have no issues to work through.  Miss still has some things that she is working on, and I look up to her as a role model in submission.  I can still be a good pet while working through my issues; in fact, I would be highly disappointed if I ever got to a point where I had nothing to work through.  Having no challenge to tackle means that I am no longer growing, which is not what I want.  I don’t ever want to stop growing, improving myself.  I view myself as a project, always being tweaked, and always having room for improvement.

The next few posts will cover several hurdles that I want to get over.  Recently, on my Question/Answer page, I was asked what my long term goals are, in terms of growing as an individual in my submission.  I think that by writing about these hurdles, I will be able to process the problems, reveal the roots of my anxiety, and help me make realistic goals.  It’s time for me to make a comeback!

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