Photo Credit: SR&J Customer Care Call Centres Inc.
I love the feeling of scorching hot water, spraying down on me at a high pressure. Often, the shower stall is a place where I can let go, and be naked and vulnerable. With the warmth of the water encasing my body in a pseudo-safe stream; the shower stall is where I do some of my best thinking. It’s funny how hot water can be so comforting, yet is clear to our eyes. In truth, I am naked and not shielded by the transparency of the water. At any given time, someone could waltz into the bathroom, pull the shower curtain away, and see every naked inch of my body. The thing is; I trust that no one would do that.
…which brings me to the main point of this post. Jumping ahead of my “Being pet” story, I will skip ahead to present time. I gave Sir’s list assignment a second shot, and found it difficult to cut stuff away from my original list. After some discussion, Sir and Miss decided that I still was not ready to be controlled outside of my physical time with them. She told me this about an hour ago.
I was annoyed for about half a second, but then decided to just be patient with myself. The truth is, the list is all about trust. SO in the midst of all the hot water, I thought back to the way things were before. Never once were Sir and/or Miss unreasonable about my bed times. They never kept me from playing with other people, and they never denied me permission to go and hang out with my friends. Of course, being as oblivious as I can be; I never realised that I had let them control these things; without an official list written down.
I think when Sir asked me to put a list down on paper, I made a rather long list, because I have a hard time admitting to myself, that I want things controlled. I often associate a lack of control with a lack on independence; but that is not necessarily the case. My little trip in the time machine of a shower stall made me realise that I was comfortable, and will be comfortable having things controlled, and that it is okay to admit to myself to wanting things to be controlled. (Wow, that was grammatically a hard sentence to write.) It also made me realise that all of this list thing is really about trust.
By allowing Sir and Miss to control parts of my life, I am trusting that they will look after my well being. For example, if I let them control the time I wake up and go to bed, I trust that they will not make me wake up a 2:00 or sleep at 17:00. By allowing them to control who I play with, I trust that they will allow me to explore , and that they will let me have the freedom to participate in activities, even when they do not necessarily enjoy or agree with them.
From this, I have also learned that I am a bit of a control freak; and that I am scared of losing that control. But at the same time, I think my desire to be controlled outweighs the fear, and that if I just let myself trust, things will work out smoothly.
I think I need a few more hours for my gut and my brain to have a discussion about this; but when the time is right, I intend to give this list thing one more try.
!