Read My Kink

Photo Credit: Gary Woltal

I know my next post was supposed to be about the weekend I just had with Sir and Miss; however, something just really hit me, and I need to get it out.  I am not quite sure what the emotion is, or where it came from, or how to describe it, but I feel something warm inside me.  Warm and also jumpy,like I am excited about something, but I am not quite sure what. The feeling just come together and bring a satisfied smile on my face.

Earlier this evening, I had been back-reading both Sir’s blog and Miss’s journal.  It certainly took me on a trip down memory lane.  Reading about their experiences from before I met them, leading up to the time they me me, and then reading about the experiences we have all shared together did something to me.  It screwed with my mind, just a little.  For a brief moment in time, I think the hamster in my mind stopped and allowed me to feel everything.

I have been having trouble seeing the big picture of things, focusing too much on tiny little details, and not thinking forward enough.  A week ago, I had let myself get absorbed in my mistakes, beating myself up and not looking for a way to improve.  I was stuck in a rut.

This weekend, in combination with watching Miss grow and change, and reading about her growth on both her journal and Sir’s blog have made me realise that this is very much just the beginning of my BDSM exploration.  I have years ahead of me, and I do not think I am ever going to turn “vanilla.”  I am just not wired that way.

Point is, I can see what Miss says about me wanting everything too fast.  Before, I knew I had moved slightly quicker than I should have, but I was also very okay with it.  Now, I think I need to slow down a bit and not rush to accomplish everything , the instant the idea enters my mind.  It is as though I have been running as an overclocked computer chip, and it is time I went back to running at the speed I was specified for.

Another thing that makes me smile is how I had been talking to Sven before I started talking to Sir and Miss; but prior to meeting Sir and Miss, Miss had been talking to Sven for a while.  That was slightly confusing, even to type.  Let me try again.  Sven had been talking to Miss long before I had started talking to him.  When he started talking to me, he used to mention a Master/slave couple and that perhaps I should talk to them and find out more about the “lifestyle.”  I never got around to talking to them, for several reasons, nor did I know who they were, as Sven never old me their handles on Fetlife.

Then, one night, by chance, I happen to talk to Sir about meeting them sometime for coffee.  A few days later, I let Sven know where I’m going, and he tells me that I’ll be okay, that he knows Miss, and that I made a good choice in play partners. I just find it amazing at how small the world really is.

Uhm…where was I going with this?  Oh yes, big picture.  I think I am on the verge of a lightbulb moment with regard to my kink life, growth, and a big picture.  I need to stop looking at obstacles as mountains and start thinking of them as little hurdles.  My view of my kinky journey has become less of a mountain to climb, and more of a windy road with hills.  I have a long way to go, and many years ahead of me; and I think it is important that I slow down once in a while and appreciate everything my kinky exploration has shown me.

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