Photo Credit: Sebastian
A couple days ago, Sebastian and Katja presented me with a way to get the titles of “Sir and Miss” back. They said that to get the titles back, all I had to do was wear the pink collar that was once a punishment collar for me, while I am in their presence.
It seemed simple enough, yet my mind brought about so many doubts. It was not about whether or not I wanted it, wanted to wear the collar. I had never worn it before as a punishment, so I had not associated anything negative with he collar.
People who know me might think that it would be pure punishment to make me wear a pink collar, or anything pink for that matter; but that is not the case. The truth is, my want for this relationship to work goes way deeper than a colour. I knew right away that I would wear the collar, regardless of it’s colour. For a while though, I still had my doubts.
My doubts stemmed more from my fear of messing things up again. I almost felt like I did not deserve to wear that collar, or to have the titles back that easily; however, I also realised that it was not my decision as to whether or not I deserved it.
A couple of days ago, a quote from Nip/Tuck really stood out to me:
“if you’re in an environment where you feel you can’t fail, sooner or later, you’ll explode.” (Nip/Tuck, Season 2, Episode 2)
Right now, I am the one creating that environment for myself. It is not Sebastian, and it is not Katja, it is all me. I am scared of failure. I want to be perfect, when I know in reality, I can’t be. My biggest challenge right now is to overcome my fear of failure; because failure is inevitable.
I watch Katja serve Sebastian so gracefully, so perfectly, and want to be like her. I do not want to be a carbon copy, but I want to be able to bring both her and Sebastian pleasure the way she does for Sebastian. I often forget that it took time for her to be that way. She has been at it for way longer than I have, and it is unrealistic for me to want to do everything right on the first try.
I have learned over the last little while that failure is not always bad. Throughout the last 18 years of my life, I have not fail much. I cannot pinpoint a time in my life in which I could say “I failed.” Because the lesson of failure is coming to me so late in life, it seems to be hitting me harder than it probably would have, had I failed at more things earlier in life. While it is hard, I am happy that I am learning this lesson now, as opposed to later in life.
Until a couple days ago, I thought I was sitting on the fence about wearing the collar; but then Sven described my situation a little more accurately. In truth, I was already on one side of the fence; I was just curled up in a ball and quivering on that side of the fence. Now, I just need to get the courage to get up and kneel.
!
i am truly enjoying the way you write, and this post stood out, although i haven’t decided why, as of yet. Very good none the less.
isis
I am humbled by your words. I do not view my servitude towards my Master as perfect or graceful, it is merely me trying to be the best person I can be because in the end that is what he truly desires.
Failure has become such a negative word for most, for society in general I would say. For me though I try very hard not to use the word failure, I look at all experiences as lessons and sometimes those lessons are a little harder than others, some lessons result in consequences that are not pleasant.
I am glad that you are starting to make mistakes, to learn about life because there is nothing as wonderful!
~A
isis,
Thank you for reading, and for your words =) I hope I can continue to deliver such posts.
~A,
You certainly do try your absolute best, and the result is grace and perfection. I look up to you, to say the least.
I think using the word failure is okay, as long as I keep in mind that failure is not all bad.
Smart thinking about the word failure. Amazing how a single word can bring about such doubt and insecurity. I am glad that you are moving forward and appreciating your moments of “failure”.
~A