Read My Kink

Photo Credit: Inspiration Online

Because of some recent events (which I will discuss in this post), the people whom I referred to as Sir and Miss will go back to being referred to as Sebastian and Katja.

I have learned a lot over the last week and a bit.  I have learned about myself, about my way of thinking, and about making mistakes.  A couple days after Sebastian and Katja decided not to control aspects outside of my time spent physically with them, I laid awake in my bed one night and began thinking.  I let the hamster in my head go on overdrive mode, running at a breakneck speed on his tiny little wheel, causing me to feel discombobulated and emotionally exhausted.  I was hurting, and I didn’t know why.

I thought for the next few days about how I could screw my head on straight again, how I could ease the pain that had taken over my mind and my body.  The only solution I arrived at was that I needed to distance myself from Sebastian and Katja more, and to do that, I would have to stop calling them Sir and Miss.

In true panic mode, I proceeded to tell them just that the next day.  There was no discussion, I had not even run it past my “daddy,” Sven, to see if it was coming out right.  I just told them.  I immediately felt a strong feeling in the pit of my gut that I had just done the wrong thing.  But by then, it was too late.  I wrote a short entry about how I was feeling, and then went to the gym to run it all out.  Several times. I guess when I had reprogrammed my brain to stop asking them for permission for things, I stopped asking for everything, including things I needed, like chatting.  I also assumed that when they had said that the topic was no longer open for discussion, that they meant everything to do with it.  I thought that everything I was feeling was entirely my problem to deal with, and that I had to do it without their help.

I was also scared, because having the control returned to me made me realise just how much I had started to lean on Sebastian and Katja, that I was not relying on only myself, but that I was getting used to asking them for things.  When the control was returned to me, it felt as though my leaning post had just been handed to me, and I was knocked off balance, unable to stand up on my own.  For a moment, it only reconfirmed my unwillingness to lean, but after some thought, I realised that that isn’t what I was supposed to take away from the experience.  I realised that everything I had done with Sebastian and Katja, I had not regretted, and that sometimes, i just cannot do things on my own.

If there is one good thing that came out of this experience, it is that I got a lot of emotion-driven exercise.  By the end of the day, I had walked in and out of the gym so much that the people at the front desk knew my name.  I was angry at myself for not discussing my feelings with Sebastian and Katja, and the pain I was feeling did not go away, but came back twice as strong.

Before my last run of the night, I spoke with my “daddy,” Sven, about the things I had said, and about the hurt I was feeling.  He told me that what i had said and what I had meant were two very different things,  Calling Sebastian and Katja Miss and Sir was and is a privilege, and is also a sign of respect.  By choosing to remove those titles, abruptly so, it was like saying “I no longer respect you, you are no more to me than any other play partner.”  That was not what I was trying to get at, but that is how it came out.

I did not get any sleep that night.  I tossed and turned, went out for a walk, did some homework, watched several episodes of Nip Tuck, and did many other things; but sleep was not one of them.  I really needed to talk with them, both of them, but there didn’t seem to be a good time to do so.  I kept beating myself up, telling myself that I had really messed things up this time, that it would not be fixable, and that I had killed it.  Finally, that night, I had a rather emotional video chat with Sebastian and Katja, which ended in them coming to pick me up, bring me to their home, and fill my hug meter.

It took a lot of effort on my part to ask them to come and get me.  From a young age, I was taught that you do not cause other people inconveniences when you can help it; and having Sebastian and Katja come out that night to get me was certainly inconvenient for them.   What I learned that night though, was that it was not my decision to make.  I did not get a say in whether or not something was convenient or inconvenient.  I also realised that I had been fighting.  I had wanted to put distance between myself and Sebastian and Katja, when what I really needed, what I knew I needed deep down inside, was to see them, hug them, and chat with them.

After that day, I felt much, much better, about everything.  I really just needed a hug and a shoulder to cry on.  I needed reassurance that I had not screwed things up beyond fixing, and that they were not angry with me.  It’s funny how we try to push away the things we often need the most.

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