Read My Kink

Photo Credit: Janelle Bradshaw

I feel discombobulated right now, but these times seem to be the best times to write.

Recently, Sir and Miss have stopped controlling my life outside of playtime with them.  This did not sit well with me at first, and I am only now working through it.  I have had to remap my brain in a sense, because I had gotten to a point where I would habitually ask for things if I was chatting with Sir or Miss online; such as leaving the conversation to get food, use the toilet, or meet friends.

After some conflict and a few conversations, Sir decided that he needed clear cut boundaries as to what parts of my life he was controlling, and what parts of my life he was not controlling.  He originally asked me for a list of “things I wished to surrender,” and said he would go from there.  Later on, he changed his mind and asked for the opposite, a list of things that I did not want controlled.  He then said that he would assume control of the rest of it.  This pushed my panic button.  In fact, it did not just push my panic button, it punched it.  hard.

I worried about missing something on my list.  There were an infinite amount of things I could list that i did not want controlled, and I was bound to miss some of them.  As the lovely hamster in my mind kept running frantically on its wheel, my one simple panic turned into many.  I panicked about having to call Sir in the middle of the night and waking him from his sleep to ask if I could pee.  I panicked about not knowing what to do if I could not reach him, but needed a yes or a no about whether or not I could go out with some friends.  I panicked about having my life micromanaged to the point where I would crack.  The last hing i wanted was to fail, and leaving things off of my “no” list was a sure fire way to fail.

I asked Sir a couple more questions  about what he wanted, what the list would mean, and also about some hypothetical situations, when he said something that sent me into even more of a panic.  One example was when I asked Sir if “music choices” was not on my ‘no” list, would I have to ask him every time I wanted to listen to music.  He then said that just because music choices was not on my list, did not mean that he was controlling my life.

I then freaked out, because I didn’t know how I could possibly figure out which parts of my life, not on the “no” list, he would want to control.  As much as Sir wanted a clear cut list of things he WOULD NOT control, I also wanted a clear cut list of things he WOULD control.  He then said that the list was not a negotiation, and that i would just know.

After more panicking on my part and lots of frustration, Sir told me to scrap the idea, and that I just was not ready for it.  He was no longer going to control my life outside of playtime with him and Miss, and even then, I had to ask for all the control to be taken away at the beginning of the play session.

The first day was difficult to handle, because I kept on asking for things and being told that there was no need to ask.  I know that Sir does not like to repeat himself, and I really did not want to make him continuously tell me that i did not need to ask.  To solve this problem, I put a bright pink post-it note on my computer screen, with the words “DON’T ASK” in big bold letters.  It seemed to work, but something still felt off.

The next day, I had a visit with Sir and Miss.  This day was not really planned, but I really needed to see them.  I asked Sir if I could open the door to his car, and he simply said “no need to ask.”  I do not know how to describe my feelings at that point, but I really did not like them.  A few minutes later in the car, I asked him to control everything for the weekend.

The weekend was a mixture of good and emotionally tiring.  There was one point where I started to ask Sir about the list, trying once again to gain some clarity.  He told me that this topic was no longer for discussion, but i kept persisting anyway.  Miss even told me to be quiet, but I talked back without realising it.

For the first time, Miss consequenced me; and while my hair roots really hurt from being dragged into the laundry room, I smiled a little.  It may not be my place, but I was proud of Miss for being assertive.  At the same time, I hated that I had to make her do that.  I felt a little bit guilty because I knew I probably would not have talked back to Sir in that situation, and I really hate that I still have not found the same “respect” for Miss.

Miss told me to get back on the couch and handed me a bowl of spaghetti, but I really could not eat.  I was frustrated that I did not understand or see the big picture.  I was angry at myself for disobeying Miss.  I was also annoyed that i could not control my tears.  They kept streaming down my face, and I could not stop them.

Miss came in shortly after, and told me to put down the pillow I was hugging.  She then held on to me, causing more tears to fall.  I talked to her about my confusion, asked her how I could possibly turn into a mind reader, and figure out what Sir was controlling and what he wasn’t.  It was then that I finally understood.  It was all trial and error. I would try, I would fail, I would learn.  There would be no clear cut list.

One of my faults, in a sense, is that I want everything right here right now.  I am not naturally a patient person.  Bigger than that, though, is that I not only want something, I want to be perfect at something right away.  Things have always come quickly to me in life.  I have always been able to understand and get things without much work.  It has become my standard of learning.

I now understand that I will not be perfect right off the bat.  In fact, I may very well never be perfect.  Miss and I are similar in this sense.  While she often says that I enjoy poking the lion, while she does not; we both do not like to fail and disappoint.  I have come to realise that I only like to poke the lion when I know the rules.  It is only fun for me when I am stretching the rules to see how far I can go, and what I can get away with.  But put me in a situation where I have to fail in order to get to know the rules, and I become dead scared.  I am scared of disappointing Sir or Miss.

Through the many hours that the hamster in my head has spent running on the wheel, I understand now that failing does not always mean disappointing.  I have also come to realise that it is by failure and learning that i am able to grow.  In hindsight, I can see that 99% of my panic came from not wanting to fail.  I suppose giving me a set list of what in my life is being controlled would be too easy.  There would be no challenge, no discovery, less growth.  There will be times where I will forget to ask for something, be consequenced for it, and learn from the experience.  And that is okay.

While I am feeling  lost without Sir and Miss’s control in my life, I also need to be patient.  In a sense, they are still controlling me, by not controlling me, by not giving me the option of being controlled.  It’s funny how illogical a person’s wants can be.  I know that I will only be controlled when Miss and Sir think I am ready, yet I still want it really badly.  I want it more so now because I have already had a taste of it.  If anything, the last few days have shown me just how much I want to be controlled.  Not only that I want to be controlled, but that I want Sir and Miss to be the ones controlling me.  I suppose I will just have to wait.

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