Read My Kink

Photo Credit: Neminator

Pain, without love
Pain, I can’t get enough
Pain, I like it rough
‘Cause I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all

Those lyrics come from a song called “Pain,” by Three Days grace, a Canadian rock band that I am quite fond of.  The first time I heard this song, I could not help but smile.  I smiled not because the lyrics are cheerful; but because I could relate so much to the song.

My brain does not have an off switch.  No matter how hard I try to stop it, the hamster in my brain never stops running on the wheel.  The hamster runs so fast sometimes that I almost feel emotionally numb from having too many thoughts run through at once.  When I get a healthy dose of pain, I am forced to concentrate on something other than my busy mind; allowing me to relax for a while.

A few days ago, I had the pleasure of playing with my friend Sven. After spending the morning with Miss, she drove me to Sven’s hometown, where I waited around for him to finish with work. We then chatted away, as we waited for his wife, Liesel, at the train station and headed back to his place. I first talked to Sven about 10 months ago, and he has since been a very good friend, protector, and “daddy” of sorts.

We had made an agreement at the beginning of the school year, that for every point under 85 on any assignment, quiz, test, or exam, I would get on stroke with the cane.  By the end of the semester, my total was 312; a ridiculous number of cane hits that I knew I would not be able to pay back all at once.  I had asked him several times for a payment plan, but his answer was always “no, you do not need a payment plan, you have a safeword.”

Sven showed me around his house briefly, while Liesel got on the computer and worked.  he then brought me into a bedroom, told me to strip off my clothes, and tied me to the bed.

He started off striking my right cheek in the same spot, many times with half of the cane he had broken on another play partner’s bottom.  They were not terrible hard, but the fact that they landed in the same spot made it particularly hard to stay still.  After the cane had broken, he brought out a thicker cane and worked on the other side of my ass.  A couple times, I wiggled out of the restraints, causing a few strokes to land on my thigh.  Sven would take break in between, occasionally asking me how many strokes had passed.  I managed to keep the count better than i thought I would, miscounting two or three times in total.  By the time I had said my safeword, I had taken 185 strokes.  I had really wanted to make it to 200, but I also did not want to put my body in panic mode.  Sven untied me and gave me a hug.  He then let me lay on the floor, gave me a pillow, and covered me with a blanket.

While lying on the floor, I recovered from the sting of the cane and focused once again on the hamster in my head.  Ever since the day I spent alone with Miss, I had been craving pain without any emotional attachment.  I thought that the craving had gone away, but my evening with Sven proved otherwise.  I do not have the same connection with Sven as I do with Sir and Miss.  What he was able to give me that night was purely physical, and something that I wanted and needed.  I am not saying that the pain was enjoyable – not in the least.  It hurt, stung like a bitch, and made me cry; but at the same time, it quenched a craving deep inside me.

I am quite happy with the results of my caning.  Never before had some left such a strong “day after” pain on my ass.  I had also never had such bruising left on my ass from a spanking or playdate.  While on the verge of being visually unappealing to me, the bruises on my ass feel great to sit on.  They feed my developing addiction to pain, every time I sit down.

I am a masochist.  I never thought of myself this way before, because I associated masochism with only extreme physical pain.  My visit with Sven, as well as my playdate with the lion showed me that I enjoy putting myself in a position where I am getting emotional and physical pain.  I not only enjoy it, but I also get aroused by it.  By the end of my caning with Sven, my cunt was dripping wet, and my mind was slightly put at ease.  Pain is very much a drug to me, and I am slowly becoming an addict.

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