Read My Kink

Photo Credit: CameronC

Before diving into the nooks and crannies of my mind, let me apologise in advance for any incoherency shown in this post.  This post is really me rambling about the things going on in my mind, and will not be edited.  If something is not clear, feel free to send me an email, or ask me a question.

I cannot sleep, and that is why I am here writing this post.

There have been many thoughts running through my mind recently, and they have ultimately helped me realise what I need to do next with regard to my relationship with Sir and Miss.  It all started the day after my day of torture, when Miss wanted me to have something pleasurable.  She wanted me to have 10 light smacks with the black diamond paddle, and then an orgasm.  I really did not feel like having an orgasm because I was not there emotionally.  I also wanted the swats to be hard.  So hard that they would force me to cry and have some form of release.

In the past, when I have felt like crying or have felt a build-up of emotions, but was unable to release them, I would ask one of my best friends to punch me, hard.  His punch would always make me tear up a little, which would start the release of all of my bottled up emotions.  I later turned to self-cutting to see if it would give me the same effect.  It didn’t, instead not giving me enough pain and making a bloody mess.

I had hit a bit of a dilemma that day.  Miss started off by handing the paddle to Sir, who hit me hard and made me cry.  While this was exactly what I needed and wanted, above everything,  wanted to give Miss what she wanted; so when she got upset at Sir for putting me in such an emotional state, I did not feel right to tell her what I wanted.  It was only when she asked, rather commented “you don’t really want an orgasm, do you?” that I shook my head slowly.  And even then, I could not find words to speak.  Half of me really wanted Miss to say ‘too bad, suck it up, I want to watch you cum,” because if that is what she truly had wanted, I wanted to give it to her.  The other half of me was relieved that she let me lie there and cry.  I have a hunch as to what miss wanted, that she did not want to see an orgasm, but that she wanted me to have some pleasure, and she was trying to give me pleasure through the way she would have wanted pleasure.

Quite frankly, it is not about what I want.  I am there to be pleasing to Miss and Sir, and if Miss wanted me to have really light swats, I would smile and take them.  What Miss said later really sank in.  She told me that she didn’t really know me; not the way that Sir did, which brought up many more thoughts about the relationship I have with them.

Backtracking to emotional release and pain.  I really want this to change.  I really want to be able to let my emotions out without needing pain as a catalyst.  I think back to the time my dorm mate could not stop crying about her boyfriend cheating on her, and how I would have just bottled those feelings.  In a way, I envy her ability to let everything out; even if it made her eyes red and puffy for half a day.

Skipping forward, there are still a lot of things that I need to learn and get used to in my relationship with Sir and Miss.  I need to learn when it is okay to speak my mind, and when I should be quiet and just say yes.  I also need to learn to be patient, because things take time.  Another thing I would like to do is to be able to produce more squares.

Let me explain.  It is very much like hormones and receptor proteins.  Put simply, each hormone has its own receptor protein that is shaped to fit the hormone exactly.  Miss produces and accepts squares, while I produce and accept circles.  Because of this, we do not always understand each other.  Actually, the more accurate description is that we almost always misunderstand each other.  That’s another thing, I thought the difference between Miss’s language and my language were like British English and American English.  Not so.  Not so at all; in fact, it is more like the difference between Vietnamese and Dutch.  It all really comes down to semantics and the way we define and use certain words.  I would be happy to just get our language barrier to a level where it’s German vs. English (they are very similar…to me, anyway)

So, looking back, the conversation with Miss that broke me that one weekend was really all about us misunderstanding each other and me freaking out.  When Miss wanted me to show emotional vulnerability to her, all she wanted was for me to produce one tiny little square, to show her that I was capable of doing it.  When she said that she would not change her approach at all, I took it to mean that all she was going to produce was circles, and that I had better change my receptor’s shape, or it would not work.  What she meant was that she would evolve (what I would call a small change or tweak) but would not change the core of her being (what i would call a large change.)  The point of this paragraph is….that I now have a much clearer understanding of what Miss wants and needs, and that i have learned a little bit of her language.

So, while Miss does not expect me to produce more squares for her, I want to.  She explained that in time, as she got more comfortable with things, she would produce more circles and that would in turn help me trust her.  I have been having trouble trusting Miss the same way I trust Sir.  This is solely because Sir has never threatened to end this relationship, whereas Miss has.  I have come to the conclusion that I need to give myself some time to let go of that weekend and that it will take time for Miss to produce enough circles for me to feel comfortable to trust her the way I trust Sir.

I have also recently found that I am in constant fear of pissing Miss off enough that she won’t want me any more.  It all goes back to that weekend we had our “breaking” chat, and how I have been unable to let go of Miss saying that we might just be too different to make this work.  While I have seen and am happy that we have progressed so far in this relationship, I cannot seem to shake the one thought of Miss not wanting me any more.  It is irrational and illogical, and I think it stems from my own insecurities about getting attached to people, being hurt, and my lack of experience with working through emotion.  I am not sure what to do with this thought right now, but it will hopefully all work out.

Skipping back to what I was talking about at the beginning of the last paragraph, I want to produce more squares for Miss.  Since catching up with Grey’s Anatomy, I have been looking for a show to watch.  Lately, I have been watching old episodes of Wife Swap.

(Commercial break:  Wife Swap is a show where two wives from two different families agree to exchange places for two weeks.  they spend the first week living by their host family’s rules….blah blah blah Google is your friend…point is, sometimes the wives learn a lot about themselves and their lifestyles through living in another wife’s shoes)

So, while I am not actually switching places with Miss, I have decided to live by her rules for a while.  She has decided that she is no longer going to be specific about things.  The only reason this relationship worked the way it has been working is because Miss was carrying the entire “specific” load.  Sir and I were not particularly specific in the past, and quite frankly, have worn Miss out with our unspecific-ness (unspecification?  non-specificness?  Ah non-specificness, that was the one.)    Since Miss has decided to not be specific, I have decided to take some of the “specific” load, because otherwise, we would have a crash landing of sorts.  While I don’t think I will ever be as specific as Miss was, I am willing to try this out and see what I can learn from it.

There are also some other things going on with me with regard to my feelings towards Miss.  Let me stress that I am not unhappy right now, merely trying to work some things out.  What it all comes down to is that it will take some time for me to be comfortable with Miss.  It will take more time than I am used to things taking, and so this will be a lesson in patience for me.  For a lack of a better word, I do not respect Miss the same way I respect Sir, and I have told Miss that it needs to change.  She has agreed to be more assertive and to consequence me, should she feel that I am being disobedient to her. I think this will help me, because before this point, Sir had done 95% of the disciplining.  I have learned to either obey him, or pay for disobedience with pain.  I like pain, but the pain I get for disobeying Sir is different than the pain I get from leasing Sir.

With Miss, the consequences are not physical.  They are more verbal/emotional.  For example, a possibility is that if I disobey her, all play will end, and I will not be able to communicate with Sir or Miss for 24 hours.  I know that as hard as I will try to be more obedient to Miss, I will slip up.  It would be naïve to think that I could just snap out of my lack of respect for Miss overnight.  I never do it out of ill intent, but this is not really about intent.  Point is, eventually I will fuck up, I will have to deal with the consequences, and hopefully, it will help me grow.

In the words of Miranda Priestly, as portrayed by Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada,

That’s all.

!