Read My Kink

The last two days were the most intense play days I have had so far.  To be more accurate, it was a very intense 6 ours, followed by the best cuddle time I have ever had.

I previously described my adventure with Sir and Miss as walking into a lion’s den.  This time, I did more than just poke the lion.  This time, I asked the lion to toy with me, to make me vulnerable, and to do whatever he wanted with me.  I did it; not because I wanted to be eaten alive, but because I knew it would help me in the long run.

For the last little while, I had been having trouble with opening up to Sir and Miss, and sharing my emotions with them.  The goal of this visit was to get me to be emotionally vulnerable, and to help me break down the thick brick wall surrounding my emotions.  To make this work, I asked Sir for two days of no control.  This would mean that we would not follow the same routine that we always had of play, cuddle time, casual chatter, play, cuddle time etc.  This would be different.  There would be no in-between cuddle time.  I would not be asked if I wanted option A or option B.  If Sir wanted something, he would simply take it.

A day before I was to go over to Sir and Miss’s house, I found myself already feeling vulnerable.  I was not drowning in overbearing emotions; but something inside me was not feeling right.  I suppose I was preparing myself for what was to come, instead of making myself jump from complete invulnerability to being helpless and emotionally naked.

The next morning, I met with Sir and Miss and was greeted with two very much-craved hugs.  I took my time and clung onto them for longer than usual, because I knew it would be a long time before I felt their cuddles again.  The car ride was quiet, as I sat and thought about what might happen to me over the next two days.  I was half excited and half scared for this experience.

I entered the house and knelt by the stairs as I normally do, waiting for permission to get up.  As soon as I got up, my clothes and phone were taken away from me.  Sir then fastened U brackets around my ankles and my wrists, holding them together.  He gagged me with a breathable ball gag, and put a hood over my head.  I could still see, but it was just more comfortable to keep my eyes shut.  Before I knew it, My head hit the floor and I was being dragged into the hall closet.  Sir helped me up and then told me to sit and be quiet.  He then closed the door and left.

For the first few minutes, things were okay; and then I started to get cold.  Furthermore, I started drooling on myself, which made me even colder.  I began to move my legs back and forth gently, making a few noises here and there.  I prayed that Sir would not hear them; but he did.  A few seconds later, Sir opened the door and smacked me a few times, scolding me about the clinking and clanging.  This was a wake-up call for me, because it was the first taste of “the bastard” that I got.  After Sir left, I sat there and drooled on myself some more.  I also felt some tears trickling down my face, and was surprised that they came so quickly.  I yelled at myself a bit to suck it up and calm down.   I had found a way to move my legs without making the U brackets move, so I was not as cold as I was before; however, it was still chilly being in that closet, and I could feel the goosebumps forming on my skin.

The one thing that really bothered me was that I had no sense of time in that closet.  Less than an hour after I had first sat in the closet, Sir opened the door once again; this time, to bring me into the living room to be a footstool for him.  I had been in this position before, during the first time I had played with Sir and Miss; but this time was different.  I was already worked up from being in the closet, and from drooling all over myself, and I was still feeling cold.  Thankfully, Sir wrapped a blanket around me.  I wanted to thank him, but quickly remembered something from the first time we played.  Furniture does not make noise.

The blanket gave me a short-lived sense of comfort; but not long after, I felt myself begin to panic.  I hyperventilated, and tried hard to breath in through my nose, but it would not work.  I tried covering my mouth to stop it, but it did not work with a gag in my mouth.  The fact that i could not stop my hyperventilation made me panic even more.  To add to my panic, Sir pulled me up by my hair firmly and told me that i was no good to him if I passed out from hyperventilating.

The one thought running through my mind was that I was not going to make it for the entire two days.  No way.

At some point in time, there were clothes pegs on my nipples, but they had fallen off during my panic attack.  The gag had also slipped out of my mouth, and the hood was partially in my mouth.  I was a mess, and i could not fix it.

After another block of time, Sir finally allowed me to get up.  He then strapped me into a new contraption he had built.  He then started hitting me with various implements; none of which I can remember specifically.  I remember using the smell of the wood to calm me down.  After spanking me, he left me on his new creation for a while.  Later, he allowed me to walk around and stretch my legs.

I do not remember much from that part of the day.  I remember watching “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” while being tied down, and I remember little details, such as Miss telling me to close my eyes; however, I do not remember what was going through my mind as I stayed there, bound.  I felt myself breaking down slowly inside, as I felt more and more helpless.

After walking out and regaining the feeling in my legs, I returned to Sir and was put into the black arm binder that had been used on me the first time we played.  He then allowed me to sit comfortably nd watch him play some video games.  Soon after, Sir allowed me to have some food.  Miss sat some kitty dishes in front of me.  One with scrambled eggs, one with a cut up apple, and one with some water.  I was to eat as much as I could on my own, and Sir would feed me the rest.

Wanting to hold on to all of the fight I had left in me, I decided that I would eat it all on my own, no matter how long it took.  I also thought about wanting to finish before the food was taken away from me; so I ate as quickly as I could.  It took a bit of practice and multiple face-plants into the plates of food; but after a while, I got the hang of it.  After eating, Sir ordered me to sit quietly, and told me that “unless the world was ending or I needed to pee,” I was to remain silent.

I sat a while and watched Sir play.  After a while, he stopped playing and shut the game off.  Something was about to happen, and I needed to decide about whether or not I wanted a pee break.  I started weighing the pros and cons.  I knew that I would not be allowed to pee in the bathroom, and that I would most likely have to pee outside.  I also knew that it was freezing cold outside, and it was not likely that Sir would allow me to put on some clothes before going outside.  On the other hand, if I held it in and play continued, I knew I would run the risk of wetting myself; something I really did not want to do.  On top of that, I knew that if I asked, it did not necessarily mean that Sir would let me pee.  After taking literally one second to weigh the options, I decided to ask.  I decided that no matter what Sir said, I would look at the silver lining.  If he said yes, I would nto piss myself in the play that was to come.  If he said no, I would stay warm.

In the end, Sir said yes.  He brought me out to the garage,opened the door a crack and told me to go ahead.  Aside from the cold, this did not bother me at all.  I am not completely sure why, but I think it has something to do with the washrooms I have pissed in in Malaysia, and how their garage floor is much more appealing than some of them.  Also, the fact that I was dirtying their garage floor surfaced, but I was really annoyed at the coldness of the garage, and I knew that I would not be going back inside until I had finished.    I squatted and emptied my bladder and then got up.  Sir then cleaned up the floor and wiped my cunt off.

Straight after pissing outside, I was taken down to Sir’s cold basement.  He put my wrists in velcrro restraints and attached them to a hook on the ceiling.  He also put a gag harness on me with a rather large ball gag.  The harness was awkward at first, but eventually felt comfortable.  I was still able to move my feet, but couldn’t really get anywhere.  Sir put some clothes pegs on my nipples and then began to spank me with various implements.  I began hyperventilating again, this time, starting to cough up phlegm.

Seeing this, Sir removed the gag harness and told me to spit it out.  I really did not want to, because I did not want to spit onto his floor.  After shaking my head, Sir got more aggressive, tugging at my hair and almost yelling at me to spit out my phlegm.  I had half a mind to swallow it, but knew that it would only get me in more trouble.  Reluctantly, I let the goop slip out from my mouth, hearing it land on the floor.  I felt helpless, like every ounce of control was taken from me.  As simple as it was, I think spitting on Sir’s floor really broke me emotionally.

That being said, I was not ready to give up.  I yelled silently at myself to keep going, to keep pushing.  I only lasted about a minute more before I felt a sense of mental exhaustion.  I had had enough, and I really just wanted a hug.  I thought about it for a moment and then called “mercy.”  Immediately after, I got that slight feeling of regret for using my safe word.  I felt as though I could have lasted a little longer, but I am also glad that my gut had the sense to push me to use my safe word.

As soon as my hands were released from the velcro straps, I clung onto Miss and would not let go.  I did not want to let go.  Ever.  Miss tried to get me to go upstairs, but it did not work.  I just kept holding on.  She kept saying that no one was going anywhere, that no one was leaving.  I think it has finally sunken in; that they are not going to throw me out on the side walk if I make a mistake, or if I do not do everything that they ask of me perfectly.  We slowly moved to the pink bench where Miss and Sir sat with me.  After a while, Miss handed me over to Sir and went upstairs to draw me a bath.

I sat and cuddled with Sir until I regained my composure. We then headed upstairs together into the bathroom, where I soaked in a lovely hot bath.  While soaking, I let all of the thoughts run through and out of my head.  I reached a strange sense of peace, and eventually zoned out.  It felt comforting to have Miss and Sir sitting by the tub and just being around, even when we weren’t talking.  I think I just needed some quiet time to let my mind rest.

I found that there was not a whole lot of processing to be done after play had ended.  Normally, I would have a weekend of play with Sir and Miss and then do the bulk of my processing at home.  This time, however, there was  lots of time in between (while I was sitting in the closet, while I was being a footstool) to think things through and absorb what was happening to me.  It was a different experience because I was able to take it all in during playtime, instead of reflecting upon it after playtime was over.

Overall, this experience was most certainly something that I had never experienced before.  While it was hard and emotionally tiring, I would absolutely do it over again. I enjoyed playing with “the bastard” in Sir.  I liked having that part shine through.  While that is the case, I do not think i would be able to handle being treated the way I was every time I saw Sir and Miss; however, I do wish to have more “extreme” play days every now and again.  Above all, these two days helped me break down the walls around my emotions a bit.  They pushed me into helplessness and vulnerability, and helped me trust Sir more.  Mission accomplished.

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