Read My Kink

Just coming out of a chemistry exam, I started thinking about bonding, which led to thoughts about attachment, and then ultimately fear and emotions.  Last Saturday, I spent some time with Miss, watching movies and doing laundry.  We had a little bit of light play – a spanking here and there, and some fun with the Hitachi, but for the most art, it was just a day to hang out with each other.  The truth is, we have become friends.  I find that we have more of an understanding of each other, and that it is easier for me to talk with her, and be open with her.  While it was not pleasant to go through, I must give a lot of credit to the rocky patch we went through.  I am not sure that I am completely healed from it, but it has certainly helped our relationship.

One thing that has been bothering me lately is that I have grown emotionally attached to Sir and Miss.  On one hand, it is a good thing because I do not often let my guard down like that; but on the other hand, it is pretty damn scary for me!  Earlier this week, I was talking with Sir about how I was feeling full of an undefined emotion, and that what I really wanted was some really rough sex and some pain.

While chatting with Miss on the weekend, I had a bit of a lightbulb (AHA!) moment.  I told her about my craving and then she told me to bend over.  Taking the dreaded aluminium-covered paddle, she told me that she was going to hit me hard.  I braced myself for the blow and once it came, I realised that that was not what I was craving.  I told her that I was craving pain from anyone but her or Sir.  In truth, I was not craving pain at all;  I was trying to run away from my emotions and the attachment that I have developed to Sir and Miss.

When it comes right down to it, I am scared.  I am scared of letting myself get attached, because it increases the potential hurt I could endure in the future.  While we are on relatively solid ground now, there is nothing there to guarantee that an earthquake will not happen any time soon.

I am more emotionally fragile than I admit to myself.  Often times, when I think that I am done with the emotions from the conflict Miss and I had, they creep back in and haunt me.  The entire experience affected me more than I thought it did, and it hit me pretty hard.

While it did help Miss, Sir, and I get a better understanding about how to communicate and what everyone wants, I get the feeling that it has made me put my guard back up just a little.  I am not ready to go there again.  I am not ready for this relationship to be taken away and broken, because there is so much more I want to do with Sir and Miss. I suppose I will just have to wait it out and let my wound heal.

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