Read My Kink

Last week, I had been talking to Sebastian and Katja about wanting to be “broken.”  What I meant by that was that, was that I wanted to be pushed hard; pushed a little past my limits, until I reached a breaking point.  While Sebastian understood what I meant, Katja needed a lot more clarification.  As we were discussing it on-line,  something just was not working between us.  I got frustrated at her for showing her caring, maternal side, and she was frustrated at me because I was being defensive without knowing it.  It was as though we were speaking two completely different languages and getting frustrated because we could not understand each other.

The next couple of days were the hardest days I have had emotionally.  Katja and I had gotten to a point where I was ready to put our differences aside and try to move on, but she was not sure about whether or not “working” for this relationship was worth it.  I understood her point, that we might just be too different to make it work without putting a lot of effort into making things run smoothly, but I sure as hell did not agree with her.  I felt a little pang in my heart, because I wanted so badly to make this work.

It was frustrating talking to Katja because I kept asking her what i could do to make things easier, what I could do to help us move forward.  The impression I got from her was that she did not want me to do anything, that she wanted to just let things play out.  I was not ready for that, I wanted to fight, to do all that I could and then some to make the relationship work out.  I was not ready for it to end.

I spent a lot of time over those days crying and curling up in my bed.  It was strange for me, because I have never been overly connected to my feelings.  I have also always bottled things inside, never letting them out.  It was difficult to go from having such internal emotional disconnect to being shoved on a rocky roller coaster.  Quite the rude awakening.

After much thinking and processing, Katja had decided that this weekend would be a turning point.  She had decided that by the end of this weekend, she would know whether or not she wanted to continue training me.  I still do not know how I felt about that.  I mean, I know, but I cannot articulate it.  I felt a little overwhelmed, a little nervous, and a little of just about everything else under the sun.  I did not know what she wanted from me, simply because i did not understand what she was saying.  Later on Friday night, I was chatting with Sebastian while feeling like an emotional train wreck, when he told me to get on video chat.

I really did not want to do this.  As much as I knew talking to him, hearing his voice, would help, I really did not want him to see me like the way I was.  I was a mess.  I was in tears, hugging a pillow, and feeling really really vulnerable.  After taking a minute to tell my brain to shut up, I logged onto iChat and started a video conversation with Sebastian.  We sat there, staring at each other for a few seconds before he started to talk.

He told me that I needed to fight for this to work.  He explained to me what he thought it was, that Katja wanted.  He told me that I needed to let her know how I felt throughout the day, because she cares about my emotions.  My interpretation of what he was saying was that I needed to sign up for a Twitter account for my emotions.  I despise Twitter, mainly because everyone shares updates too often about meaningless (to me) things.  At the same time, “tweeting” about my emotions was something I could try to do.  I would not necessarily be good at it, but I was willing to try.

What got through to me the most was when Sebastian told me that he though I could do it.  In all of this mess, I had completely lost confidence in myself.  I felt hopeless and I didn’t think I could make this work.  Hearing him say that he thought I could do it made a huge difference.

I went to bed that night with a slightly hopeful feeling and with my confidence half restored.  Deep inside my mind though, there was a nagging feeling that said I was not going to stay, that Katja would want to stop training me, that this weekend was going to be my last play session with them.  But I had told Sebastian that I would try.  I was going to be strong.  I was going to pull through.  I was going to fight.

The next morning, I got ready for my weekend and headed down stairs to wait for Sebastian.  He pulled up, got out of the car, and gave me one of the most needed hugs I have ever had.  We stood there, in front of my residence building, for a while, just hugging.  It was exactly what I needed.  I did not need him to talk, I did not need him to move, I just needed him to hug me.

A little while later, we drove to an almost empty parking lot and he got me ready for the drive back to his house.  He put me in a hood with that covered my eyes and added a gag attachment to it.  He then told me to interlock my fingers and wrapped my hands together with a tensor bandage.  He drove slowly back to his house, going slower than normal on the highway and taking turns at random places to throw me off.  When we finally got in, I was taken to the basement right away and was put onto Sebastian’s newly built bondage chair.

I found it really difficult to stay on the chair.  The angle that the two “branches” make (looks like it is about 90 degrees) is too wide for my inflexible legs.  I suppose I should take yoga or something to improve my flexibility.  Actually, I am more than likely going to be taking yoga lessons throughout the winter.  But that is not what I am here to talk about…

Because I kept on falling off the chair, Sebastian moved me to the pink spanking bench he had made a while ago.  He tickled me a bit while I was on the bench and then moved towards my feet, tying my legs together.

And that’s when it happened.  Katja reached down and touched me.  Although I could not see, I could tell it was her.  Her touch is different.  It is a much softer, gentler touch.  A tear trickled down my cheek.  I bit my tongue, hoping that it would distract me enough to send the tears back where they came from.  But as Katja kept touching me, tickled me, caressed parts of my body, I felt myself crumble inside.  I could not hold back any more.  I let all of my tears out, my body shaking, as I cried quietly and asked for a minute to talk.  I had woken up that morning thinking that I was done with tears, that I would be strong and hold everything inside.  I was wrong.

Katja took off the hood I was wearing, as Sebastian untied my legs.  As soon as the hood was off, Katja held me close, and I let my tears run onto her.  When i was finally untied, Ktaja helped me upstairs and cuddled with me on the couch.  We were joined shortly by Sebastian, who sat on the other side of me.  It felt as though time stood still, as I clutched her, leaning all of my weight on her, crying.  That is when i heard the words I had been hoping to hear.

“I am not ready to let her go.  I want to keep training her.”

It took me a few seconds to process what Katja had said.  And i did not react the way I thought I would.  Coming into this weekend, I thought it was going to be my last weekend with them.  I thought I would never get to play with them again.  I hated the idea, but it was the cold, hard truth.  To go from negative thoughts to hearing exactly what I wanted to hear was such a change in emotional mood.  It was really hard for me to switch emotional gears so quickly, that it brought on a whole new group of tears.  They were not tears of sadness, but tears of relief.

Throughout this entire experience, I had felt like Marley, from the book (and now film) Marley & Me.  I felt like the new puppy who ran a muck throughout the house and drove everyone insane.  I felt like I had driven Katja to a point where she did not know if she wanted to keep me, much like Marley did.  In the end though, I am the puppy who pissed all over the floor but did not get sent back because of an adorable puppy face.  Katja told me later that I was “just too loveable to give up.”

It’s funny how this whole thing turned out.  The conflict between me and Katja started when i was trying to explain what I meant about being broken.  In actuality, what happened on Saturday morning was exactly what I had wanted.

I had been broken.

And while it was not necessarily a pleasant experience during the breaking process, it has certainly strengthened my relationship with Sebastian and Katja.  We are finally all on the same page, and ready to move forward.

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