Read My Kink

Vulnerable.

It is how I felt about an hour after being dropped off at my home on Sunday night.

It is how I feel now.

My time with Sebastian and Katja was quite the unique experience, something that I have never felt before.  This entry is not a chronological recollection of the events that happened.  For that, you can read Katja’s post found here.  This entry is mainly about how I feel, and what I have learned from the past weekend.

I arrived home from an eventful weekend feeling high and okay.  I felt like i was on the top of the world.  I was high.  Not so long after I had walked through my door, I had a sudden change of emotions.  I felt down and depressed.  I was feeling subdrop.

It was a strange feeling, subdrop so soon after a play session.  I looked tor Katja or Sebastian online, but they weren’t there.  I figure that they were busy spending time with each other, so I looked for some other source of comfort.  I talk with a friend of mine, Sven, who told me that what I was feeling is not uncommon, and that the reason I had never felt it before was because last weekend was my first “real” experience.  To an extent, he is right.  They provide a completely different experience than my other play partners because to them, it is not just a play session, it is a lifestyle.  With them, my submission is not a part-time thing, lasting only while I am being spanked, or while I am bound.  I obey their rules whenever I am in their presence, and am submissive both inside and outside of their house.  I have never experienced this before, as most of my previous partners kept it strictly in the bedroom, and this experience has certainly broadened my horizon.

The one thing I really needed that night though, was a hug.  I believe my words to Sven were “I crave a hug right now,” something I do not often crave.  I mean, I love hugs whenever they are available, but to crave one was a completely different story.  It was difficult to find comfort that night, but I managed, and I am okay.

There were a few moments last weekend that I will never forget, each for a different reason.  One of them is when I was watching Katja and Sebastian sharing bunches of kisses, and when she went to give him a blow job.  it will forever be in my mind because of two things:  Katja’s passion that is shown while she was serving her master, and the fact that she chose to share it with me.  When Katja was sucking on Sebastian’s cock, I could sense her pleasure, her willingness and desire to please her master.  I even envy her a bit because of it.  it always mystified me as to how someone would want to serve someone like that, but now that I’ve seen an example, I understand.  Katja is also a very private person – much more so than I am.  The fact that she shared this meant so much to me, that I cannot even express it here.  It was just a good feeling.

Another thing that I will never forget is when I got a glimpse into Pandora’s box.  It was late on Saturday night, after I had showered, when Katja ordered me on all fours, in front of her master.  What started out as Sebastian kissing her while feeling my ass turned into Katja opening up and talking about all sorts of stuff she would do with “the toy.”  Her fantasies were far more extreme than I would have ever thought she had, some of which scared me a little.  I supposed she had exhausted herself from sharing those fantasies with me because she passed out – twice.  It was nice to peek inside her mind, to hear her dark and scary, but interesting thoughts.  I just don’t think any of us would be ready if Pandora came out full force.  I saw a glimpse that night, and it was enough.

On Sunday, I experienced what it felt to lose every ounce of control.  I was strapped to a first aid board, unable to move, with nipple clamps pulling at my tits and Katja standing in front of me, torturing me with the Hitachi wand.  The pain from the nipple clamps was more intense than the night before, as my nipples were already sore.  The vibrations from the wand brought me pleasure, but also brought me pain.  Katja had informed me that the clamps would stay on for five minutes as she and Sebastian teased me with toys.  Sebastian used all sorts of toys on my breasts, cunt, and thighs, as Katja moved the wand all over my body.  It was then, when she put the wand right on the clamps, that I felt excruciating pain, a pain that I could not escape, a pain that I had longed for.  She teased me like that for a little while, until she figured that i had had enough; however, Sebastian did not share that thought.  Katja used the wand on my cunt, giving me intense pleasure, while Sebastian provided the pain.  I felt tears gushing out of my eyes as I pleaded with them to stop.  But there was still a minute on the clock. During the last 30 seconds, things got worse.  Sebastian, the man who claims to not be a sadist, grabbed the chains attached to the nipple clamps and pulled, hard.  He tugged on my breasts, ignoring my tears and pleas, until the timer flashed a solid 0:00:00.  I will never forget that moment because I felt completely helpless.  I had absolutely no mobility and no control over what was happening to me.  It was also the first time that Katja was completely involved, and not just sitting on the sidelines. It was a milestone.

One of the most important things I have taken away from this experience is that I finally understand why people want to be owned.  In my earlier days of playing and exploring kink, I never understood why someone would commit to a long-term total power exchange situation.  I never understood how someone could trust another person with their control.  I understand now.  And more importantly, I want it.  I suppose it is more accurate to say that my gut wants it, but my brain knows that I am not ready for it.  It is very much like how Sebastian describes the “S” button on his car:

This car has an “S” Button, which puts the car into sports mode. Apparently that changes throttle behaviour and generally changes the boy toy from a purring big tiger into a really pissed off Kodiak bear. I have had the boy toy for about a week now and I have not used that button yet.

I know that I am not ready for it yet. As the boy toy is a manual I have to get used to the clutch, the resistance point and driving a car with an electronic accelerator pedal. Shifting out of first into second is not as smooth as I would like it to be just yet and quicker throttle response will not help with the learning process.

The complete entry can be found here.

I find that his writing describes my situation nicely, in that I have only played with Sebastian and Katja a handful of times and I am not completely used to being submissive outside of play.  My “S” button would be for my control, shifting from having all the control to having no control.  Much like Sebastian describes “shifting out of first and into second,” I feel as though the switch from having no control to having to control my own ‘vanilla” life is not as smooth as I wouldd like it to be, or as smooth as it could be.

Truth be told, deep down inside, I want to be owned.  After watching the interactions between Sebastian and Katja the other night, and coming to an understanding of master/slave relationships, I long to belong to someone.  At the same time, I feel as though I am thinking too fast, as if I am getting ahead of myself; almost like I am biting off more than I can chew.

It is supposed to take months before I feel this comfortable with someone.  Before I can hand over my control, before I can totally submit and trust that I will be okay with them.  And yet it’s different with these two.  As a whole, my relationship with Katja and Sebastian has grown so quickly, and while it is not right logically, it feels right.  I know that Sebastian and I move at a slightly faster pace than Katja does, and that is not necessarily a bad thing.  But if anything more is going to happen, I want her to be completely comfortable with the situation.  I do not want her to feel as though she has to go along with everything just to keep up with my thoughts.  That being said, I trust Sebastian to make the right decisions, to keep lines of communication open, and to ensure that everyone is okay.

I can not see the future, nobody can; but I suppose I will go with what my mother once said to me: que sera, sera.

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