Read My Kink

As a child, my kindergarten teachers introduced me to a wonderful book, The Little Engine That Could, by Watty Piper .  I cannot really remember the nitty gritty details, but essentially, it is about a long train that needs to be pulled up a mountain.  Many people, engineers, are asked to do the job, but for one reason or another, they refuse.  In the end, a small blue engine is asked to do the job; and while he does not promise a success, he replies with “I think I can.”  From ages 4 – 8, that story was my inspiration for anything I thought I could not do.  Whether it was being able to climb a tree without falling, being the shortest kid trying to play basketball, or getting through a particularly difficult (at the time) piece of piano music; the little blue engine instilled an optimistic sense of perseverance in me.

It’s funny how, as a kid, things never seemed impossible to me, but now that I am all grown up (well…barely grown up,) I can make the tiniest little bump look like a mountain.  It’s as though the little blue engine that once inspired me to try everything without the thought of failure, got bored with me and chugged out of my life.  Perhaps, it did not leave by its own will, but was pushed out by my negative thoughts and constant worry about failure.

I have previously written a little bit on the topic of trust, and while I have gotten better at opening myself up; I still have problems allowing myself to trust other people, and even to trust myself.  Lately, I have found myself doubting my desires, my abilities, and my gut feelings.  I do not know where my lack of self-trust has come from, but I think that it is time I put a stop to it.  I am still not sure how I will go about doing this, but I have come to realise that I cannot possibly expect someone else to believe in me, when I do not even believe in myself.

One thing that I really want to do in the next few months is to be able to let my guard down with Miss.  After my visit with Sir and Miss last weekend, I find that I am more guarded when I am playing with Miss than I am when I am playing with Sir.  To be clear, this does not mean that I respect Miss less as a person; but I just do not trust her yet.  A few months ago, I thought the only way I could trust her was to jump into the deep end, so to speak; to just decided “okay, I’m going to trust her,” and just let things play out.

Unfortunately, it is not quite that simple.  I think that I just need more time to get familiar with Miss using me for her pleasure, and to get more comfortable with her.  A few days ago, I was upset with myself, because I truly thought that Miss and I would be at a point where I could stop fighting myself and be vulnerable with her.  I was disappointed, and felt like the reason things with Miss weren’t happening at the pace I wanted was because I wasn’t trying hard enough. The thought that we just may not be compatible entered my mind, and I came crashing down for a short moment.  I really want for this relationship to continue, but in order for that to happen in a manner that will not drive me completely insane, I need to remember that things take time, and that sometimes they take more time than I would like.

Later on in that same visit, I shocked myself a little bit, by not panicking while Sir’s cock was deep inside my mouth.  Normally, or at least lately, the deeper Sir puts his cock, the more I gag, making me panic, often leading to me throwing up.  I am not sure what made me want to stop panicking that day.  Perhaps I was just emotionally worn out, too tired to panic and fight; or maybe I just wanted something to go well that day (I’ll explain the other parts of what happened in another post,) but I just told myself that I was going to relax and not panic when Sir’s cock made me gag.

It’s funny how strong a thought, a reminder can be.  Because I kept telling myself not to panic, I gagged but did not throw up.  I also managed to suck Sir’s cock, without making a mess of saliva on a towel underneath for the first time.  This was also the first time I swallowed  Sir’s cum.  In all honesty, it was a great experience, sort of like a non-thought-provoked lightbulb moment.

Looking back, I have come to realise that I can really do anything I put my mind up to.  Some things may take more time than others; but as long as I do not lose sight of my goal(s), I will end up doing what I want to be able to do.  I have decided to welcome the little blue engine back into my life.  I have been going too long without it.

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Photo Credit: Najma

So, I need to interrupt my thoughts and entries on Hurdles to bring up a more pressing event in my life – my possible trip down Insanity Lane.

I know I have written a lot about Sir and Miss controlling me outside of playtime with them; and I doubt that this will be the last time.  So continuing from the last time I wrote about it, Miss told me that day, that they were not going to let me have another shot at the list thing for another month.  The lightbulb moment I had in the shower that day came way too early for my liking.  I sometimes strongly dislike how quickly things come to me because then, especially in this case, it means I get to do a lot of waiting time.  Because constantly thinking about it would have driven me crazy for a month, I decided to lock any thought of Sir and Miss taking control of me in a box and shove it under my bed, figuratively speaking.

What I neglected to account for was that i have a memory, and that my box is not made out of lead.  I cannot simply lock a thought away and forget I ever had it.  For the first little while (three weeks) it worked out wonderfully.  I didn’t ever give it a second thought, and when those thoughts creeped up on me, I would simply ignore them.  This week, however, the thoughts that are locked away in my flimsy cardboard box have been pushing to be let out.

It all started towards the end of my last visit with Sir and Miss last weekend.  I do not know what triggered it; perhaps it was just having some down time, but after some playtime, I laid down on the floor, curled up in a blanket, in front of the TV.  I ended up going into some pretty deep thoughts about wanting to be controlled, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.

I tried to be quiet about it, but perhaps that is what gave me away, because not long after my gush of emotions started, Sir got a glimpse of my face and grabbed me in a cuddle.  I tried fighting him, but I knew he wasn’t going anywhere.  I really don’t know why I still try to fight.  One would think that by now, I would be comfortable enough to show my vulnerability and emotion to Sir and Miss; but a part of me still says that I need to do it on my own.

After a long and much-needed hug, Sir finally put me down.  I had half of a lightbulb moment a few minutes later…that I just can’t do it all on my own.  I say it was a half lightbulb moment because I am still in the process of accepting this, and convincing myself that it’s okay.  I know that Sir and Miss are only a phone call away if I need to talk, but I am having a bit of rouble with potentially wanting/needing to ask them for a visit or for a video chat, etc.  I am sure that in time, I will come to terms with myself and work it out.

Three weeks ago, Sir or Miss or both of them said that this month would either make me want to be controlled, or make me realise that I really don’t want it. After having three weeks to think, I have decided that I really want it.  The next seven days are going to be challenging; and even then, there are no guarantees.  Miss only said that we would reassess the situation, not that they would take control of me for sure.  I really do hope though, that Sir and Miss will think I am ready for it; because it just might kill me, emotionally, to not have them control parts of my life.  I am still dead scared of parts of giving control up; and I still do not know if I will be able to handle it.  At the same time, I have come to the realisation that I will never know if I do not give it a shot.  So, my thought right now is that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I want Sir and Miss to take more control from me. Now, I just need to tough it out for another seven days.

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Photo Credit: Doug Savage

One thing that happened in the midst of all my emotional imbalance is that I tore my asscunt while training it.  I wrote a few months back about using an anal dilator kit to train my asscunt, with the goal of someday being fucked in the ass; and have neglected to write about it.  In the beginning, my training went really well; so well, that Sir and I decided to skip a few of the earlier weeks in the schedule he made.  I eventually got to a point where I was using the fourth plug (out of five,) but had a very tired, almost overtired, asscunt as a result.  Because Miss did not want me to push my asscunt too far, We all agreed that it would be best for me to take a one week break.

After that one week break, I tried training again, this time starting out with the third plug.  Unfortunately, the time away from training made my asscunt less stretchable, and I had a lovely anal tear.  I gave myself a week to heal and tried again with plug number three.  It was fine going in, but on the way out, I re-ripped my asscunt and had to rest.  Again.

I am not a patient person, more so when it comes to being patient with myself.  I am also a bit of a perfectionist; and while I am much better at not striving for perfection that I was a few years ago, a part of me was just annoyed that my asscunt was not working perfectly   At this point, I was really frustrated with myself, but knew better than to restart training prematurely.  I took a full two weeks off of training, applying the cream given to me from the doctor regularly.

I was completely unmotivated and scared of re-tearing my asscunt.  Sir wanted me to try with the third plug again, but something inside me held me back.  After some debate with Sir about switching to the second plug, instead of the third; he ended up telling me to just “do whatever I had to do.”

I honestly cannot remember what happened next, but it was around the time Sir and Miss stopped controlling me outside of time spent in their physical presence.  Something made me stop training my asscunt.  I was less motivated because Sir and Miss were no longer controlling my asscunt training.  Furthermore, I had also lost confidence in my hole to perform properly.

To help me keep my focus on moving on, and not what has already happened, Sir has given me a goal.  In ten weeks, he will fuck me in the ass.  This thought scares the hell out of me.  My asscunt is a very tight hole.  Even putting a finger inside, I can feel the muscles pressing against my finger.  I cannot even imagine Sir’s cock entering my asscunt.

I know that it will hurt; that is not what I am worried about.  What I am worried about, scared of, is another rip.  Even now that I have started to train regularly again, I approach asscunt training with less enthusiasm and more caution and nervousness.  It is an irrational thought, but it feels as though it is a personal failure for me, if my asscunt rips again.

I have come to realise that expecting my asscunt to never rip again is unrealistic.  Rips and tears happen, and the only thing I can do is wait for them to heal and move on.  Changing my way of thinking has helped me alleviate my doubts towards training again, and I am starting (slowly) to look forward to my time with the plugs again.  With patience and perseverance, I am sure my asscunt will co-operate with me again.

Thinking of Miss has inspired me to continue with training.  She was scared and nervous to let me touch her, to receive pleasure from my touch; yet she did it anyway.  She pushed herself because she knew it would help her grow and because she knew it would be pleasing to Sir.  I never really understood Miss’s feelings until I paralleled her situation with my asscunt training.  When I think about Miss, I ask myself why she is so nervous, how I can make it easier for her, and why she doesn’t just jump into allowing me to touch her.

Since I have applied her situation to my own, I asked myself the same questions.  I am nervous because I do not want another tear.  Having Sir and Miss control my asscunt training would make is much easier for me, as it would be motivating; but since that option is not available, I need to be my own motivation.  To make things easier on myself, I have decided to multitask and do something I enjoy while training my asscunt, such as playing a computer game, or watching a show that I enjoy.  I also find that measuring time by episodes of a TV show, songs, or levelling up in Dragon Age is better for me than constantly staring at the clock.  As for why I don’t just jump in and train?  I am out of excuses.  There is absolutely no reason why I should be stuck in the past and hold myself back from having a nicely trained fuckhole.  So, I have come to the conclusion that it’s time to quit whining and just go for it.

Although Sir and Miss are not controlling my asscunt training directly, I am still doing it, in part, for their pleasure.  I know that at the end of the day, a well trained asscunt is better to play with, to fuck, than one that isn’t trained.  At the end of the day, my role as pet is to bring pleasure to them; and if training my asscunt will help me, I’ll do it.  I’ll do it and I will succeed.

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Photo Credit: MyHorse.com

A few weeks ago, a scene in Grey’s Anatomy struck a chord with me.  It was something that Owen Hunt said to an old friend, Teddy.

Owen: You can’t un-ring a bell

Teddy: I know, but I’m going to try like hell

I do not necessarily want to try to un-ring the bell I rang with Sir an Miss; but rather, I want to just move forward.  It is true, that you cannot un-ring a bell; but what you can do is stop ringing it.  I have learned from my mistakes, and know not to repeat them.  There is no doubt that I will male mistakes again; that is inevitable.  The proverbial bell I do not want to ring again is beating myself up, overthinking, and getting stuck in my mistakes.  I have control over my thoughts towards myself, and in the future, I want to stop dwelling in my “failures.”

Over the last few days, I have been doing a lot of (perhaps too much) thinking. After a conversation with Sir a couple nights ago, a conversation with Miss yesterday, and a little thought-chat with the hamster in my head, I have decided that I need to forget about what has happened in the past, and move forward.

I have accumulated a lot of baggage (in comparison to what I had before) and have noticed a loss of faith in myself.  I am finding that I have lost a lot of confidence, and turned myself into a nervous wreck.  What I need to do now is to learn from my experiences and move forward with life.  There is no point in being stuck in a rut, as it won’t help me with any personal growth, and it won’t help me be a better pet for Sir and Miss.

Until after my conversation with Miss yesterday, I had always had an image in my head of a line of horse jumps (as shown above,) with being a good pet at the end of the line, after getting through all the jumps.  I have come to realise that being a good pet does not mean I have no issues to work through.  Miss still has some things that she is working on, and I look up to her as a role model in submission.  I can still be a good pet while working through my issues; in fact, I would be highly disappointed if I ever got to a point where I had nothing to work through.  Having no challenge to tackle means that I am no longer growing, which is not what I want.  I don’t ever want to stop growing, improving myself.  I view myself as a project, always being tweaked, and always having room for improvement.

The next few posts will cover several hurdles that I want to get over.  Recently, on my Question/Answer page, I was asked what my long term goals are, in terms of growing as an individual in my submission.  I think that by writing about these hurdles, I will be able to process the problems, reveal the roots of my anxiety, and help me make realistic goals.  It’s time for me to make a comeback!

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